i am me

2010-09-18T11:16:00.000+08:00

I've always been one to follow my instincts. When I was younger, it was more of a 'I think it is' sort of feeling but it always came hand in hand with it's very clingy sibling 'but I don't dare to follow through'. And because of that, I've always had to rely on other people to help point it out and give me the courage to follow through. As my age crept along, so did my courage. Not exponentially, but at a rapid enough rate I would say, and I learnt to rely more and more on myself to trust my instincts.

That being said, how do i make someone else believe that my instincts are what have brought me through all the rough patches in my life? They might argue that I am not seeing both sides of the coin. That I'm so instinctively guided by what I feel that I am blinded to other possibilities and opportunities. That I'm being impulsive and compulsive all at once. But would I rather rationalize and agonize over a decision that I already know deep down i've already made? In my head, I would rather save my time and effort into executing my instincts instead of constantly questioning it. Because, be honest, we all know that our first gut feel is usually the correct one.

I cannot explain or force my instincts upon others, but I can only wish for them to respect it.

I never go into details. And I won't begin now. So please, don't expect me to change my mind because in your head, you think i am wrong.

2010-09-10T09:59:00.000+08:00

how cliched is it when we watch movies and the hero/heroine goes through a conflict of sorts where the heart and the mind don't agree. externally we scoff and sneer saying how hard is it to make a decision and then stick by it. and then we're treated to a montage of the passage of time for the said hero/heroine and watch as they go through their life living out their decision with the occasional twinge of longing and regret but then pushing through and ultimately, through a clever twist of fate - or should i say plot - the hero/heroine eventually gets what he/she actually wanted in the first place.

the conflict of the mind and heart is one that i've never been able to conquer. my mind will always be the rational one that knows all the right things to do and how to go about it. it will win out and i would follow it's rules diligently for a good few days, but, like the said hero/heroine, i'll have the twinge of longing and regret which will ultimately lead to my regression and fallback to what my heart wants. even though i know it's not the right decision.

i find it very hard to stick with the decisions i've made - or at least, the decisions my mind has made. there will always be this little nagging part that goes 'what if' and then i'll start wondering about whether i should have gone down the other path instead. and here comes the tug of war. i'll be one foot in each doorway and never heading anywhere. the battle in my head has been getting worse of late. as i'm nearing the age where many of my friends are either settled in life, or are beginning to settle. not the bad kind of settle, but the good kind. the kind where they know where their life is headed from this moment on and all they've got to do now, is put the plough to the soil and just plod on.

but that being said. do i just want to plod on? don't i want to run and skip and hop and jump through my life? don't i want to always wonder and question and constantly look out for new things to see and do and live through? if i make concrete decisions to settle and move on in life living it as 'my mind sees fit' then won't i get to live like how my heart wants to live? with unbridled passion and zest?

there has got to be a way. even if it's unconventional and not exactly the way society conforms to. i've never lived life the way i was supposed to. and maybe that's the way it should be.

and here i go again.

2010-06-23T23:35:00.000+08:00

i'm a messy person.

i've got a messy room.
my bed is constantly unmade, except for when i know my mum is coming to visit.
i've got a messy dressing table.
makeup strewn whichever way. makes it easier to reach for instead of having to dig around.
i've got an extremely messy closet.
clothes stacked all the way up to mars. i'm always finding little surprises of clothes i've not seen for months.
i've got messy hair.
untameable in fact. not without help from serums and taming creams. it still manages to look unruly even after blowing it to within an inch of it's life.

but i love cleaning.

tidying up. rearranging stuff. straightening askewed items.

but it always gets messy again. no matter how hard i try to stay neat.

and it's weird. because i hate being messy. i hate untidiness. and i hate things out of order.

my life is one big 'huh?'

i can never really figure out what i want. my head and heart can never agree. as with most people, i'm sure. is it normal to feel lost this often?

maps. GPS. street signs. relayed directions.

we all have help finding where to go. but which way is the right way? the beaten path is always an easy answer. just following in another person's footsteps. to walk on the same trampled and beatened down path that will lead us a safer, satisfactory place.

but what if i don't want to? who makes these paths? what makes it the right path in the first place? who decides these things?

i don't just want to follow blindly. i need to know. i need to question.

but what if i don't like the answer? do i still follow? or do i branch out and make my own path?
how do i answer this question?

2010-06-11T20:00:00.000+08:00

ever been in a situation where you know it's too good to be true? where everything doesn't seem possible? where you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop? story of my life.

i've never fully lived. not really. i'm always too worried about what may happen or whether what i'm going through is real.

and for the last 2 months, everything has probably been a lie. the emotions, the excitement, the expectation. we're all guilty of being caught up in the moment and letting it all just carry on without letting it sink in fully. we hope that it would last, but ultimately, it never does.

the other shoe always drops.

but hope is never far away. we hope for a better day, we hope that it wouldn't bother us, we hope that time will heal all wounds. and hope, is what keeps us going. somehow, it's the one thing that we never give up on. if all else fails, there's always hope. because what we don't know, carries a promise. we can never really say that everything will turn out bad unless we know it. and with hope, we will never know.

and with hope, we will constantly put ourselves out there. to receive and to give. to see and to be seen. to love and to be loved. out heart will never tire of hope, or love. even though right now, we may be shattered and torn and hurt; time, hope and love will heal all brokenness.

so here i am, asking Time, Hope and Love, to heal me.

2010-04-29T11:53:00.001+08:00

meeting new people is always a bit tricky. it's very much a battle of wits where one's trying to figure out the other before the other does. a bit of a tug of war. i give you this much information about me, now let's see how much you give back. i don't think it's always been that way with me. from ever since i could remember, it was always very easy to make friends because i was so outgoing and outspoken. i'd be the first to approach people, i'd be the first to give an opinion, i'd be the one to laugh the loudest. i'd always be the one to give. and i always thought it was me being friendly. but after encountering some people like that, i've come to realise that it might all just be a facade. true, they're very interesting to be around, but after a while, it becomes very forced and contrived. insecurities, no matter how well hidden, will always surface.

i've become less of an extrovert of late. more willing to let people come to me instead of me to them. i don't have to be the obvious livewire of the party anymore. people watching has now become a favourite past time for me. meaningful conversations have taken center stage now and getting to know people instead of just meeting them have become essential to me.

it's easy to feel alone in a roomful of people. you may think that you're surrounded by people you are acquainted with. but it's very lonely when you come to realise that there's only so much you know about them. that's what i've been feeling of late. i look through my facebook friend's list and wonder...how many of these people do i actually have meaningful relationships with? i've been questioning myself a lot of late, thinking of how many people i've let slip over the years and how i haven't been the greatest at maintaining friendships. i find myself guarded after the initial introduction. after giving, i tend to hold back and always wanting to keep the ball in my court. selfish.

i'm trying my best now at rectifying the situation. my sister tells me to go out and meet new people. but i think i should stick to the ones i have right now, and be a better friend.

2010-04-26T10:54:00.001+08:00

here it is. the last mad dash for the finish line. the flags of victory are so close i swear, all i have to do is reach out and they'll be in my hands.

it has been a long, yet extremely fast-paced year of housemanship. i remember being so overwhelmed by the change and the expectations that were all in my head, that i broke down even before day one was over. it had all seemed so new. so different. i was sure i wouldn't be able to keep up. wouldn't be able to live up to the expectations made of me. i was so scared. i would wake up every morning worried about what the day would bring. it didn't help being in a foreign land. having had to make friends and colleagues and work at the same time. would these new-found acquaintances help me when i ask them to? out of obligation perhaps? or maybe just out of irritation so that i would stop bugging them? how alone i felt for the longest time. but God was good. He knew how to make things fit and happen in His time. i made good friends. and i got better. it's true what they say, it's all a matter of getting used to it. get a routine flowing and it will all come naturally.

12 months of getting used to housemanship.

and now it's time to let it go. i've reached the top of the houseman foodchain. a 'senior' houseman. someone the newer housemen ask for help and turn to when they need advice.

so the road leads me now to that of being a medical officer. just a tiny leap from a houseman, but what a huge difference in responsibility. and i'll have to start from the bottom again. it's a never ending cycle. we get to the top of one pyramid only to realise there are tons more to conquer and climb. new expectations, new standards, new responsibilities.

it's the last mad dash to the finish line, but i just want to slow it down a bit and not be too eager to reach it.

2010-04-23T08:05:00.002+08:00

today's gonna be a good day.

because i said so.

i was just thinking to myself last night and going through the events of the last month. and suddenly it hit. this time last month, i was feeling restless and craving for something different. i remember putting up on facebook that i needed a change. and then these barrage of change just decided to bulldoze itself into my life.

the power of self proclamation.

so, in that spirit, i'm going to proclaim, that today, tonight, tomorrow and for the unforeseeable future ahead, will be good.

2010-04-21T21:14:00.000+08:00

following the call of my tummy, a friend and i headed towards clarke quay to appease the rumbling of our digestive systems. it was after work and we wanted to catch up so we decided to go window shopping and take in a bit of dinner. after deciding on a salad and a pizza to share, we got down to talking.

she and i go quite a way back to when we were uni students almost 10 years ago. after completing part 1 of our studies, she headed off to the UK while i jetted down under to Australia. we didn't quite keep in touch over that time and when i started work in Singapore, she was really the furthest thing away from my mind. so it was a pleasant surprise to see her working alongside me in KK hospital when i finally got there.

it had really been too long since we had talked and it was eye-opening to see how much we've both grown and how far each of us had gone.

in the midst of masticating our pizza and crunching on our salad, she casually asked if i had found a church to attend since coming to Singapore. with a twinge of guilt in my voice, i admitted that i hadn't. mainly due to time and work. but i know that's no excuse. i told her i basically didn't put much effort into really searching for one. i had given up after trying out a few. most of which i had disliked due to the fact that their services and intentions had gotten too 'commercial' of late. bookings had to be made to get into church. queues outside the building hoping to get in. pushing the church members to 'give' to God by investing all their money in the church building fund. 'encouraging' the youth to only date within the church and within the same bible study group as not to be distracted by thoughts when they're not around. it's been a worrying trend, in my opinion and she shared the same views. she mentioned that even back home, her parents left their home church as it was getting too mainstream and too into the world. then she said that that was the reason why she wasn't a Christian anymore. and the slice of pizza that i was directing into my open mouth stopped. and my mouth remained open in shock. did i hear right? maybe the music's too loud. come again? and she repeated what i was afraid she had said. i didn't ask her why. but it pained me to see that the church is starting to push God's people away by conforming to the world. i myself have long felt that these so-called 'leaders' ought to be examined for their beliefs and their intentions when it came to leading God's people. but i never ever doubted my faith in God or His love for me. i'd like to think that i have a different sort of relationship with God. one that is not determined by what other people say it should be. but one that is comforting to me and is suitable for me. it may seem selfish and slightly dumb....but it works for me.

i just hope that one day she will find out that God is still there and is still waiting for her.

2010-04-20T10:06:00.000+08:00

wake up calls are never easy. be it in the literal or figurative sense.

every morning, i'd hit the snooze button on my phone alarm at least twice before i decide to roll out of bed and into the toilet. and when i was back home in KL and auntie allie would knock on my door hollering at me to wake up, i'd yell at her to leave me alone and come back later so that i could catch a few more elusive zzz's. daddy also isn't foreign to the waking up his daughters spiel. every saturday morning, he'd start banging on our doors, bugging us to wake up so that we could all go for breakfast of roti canai and teh tarik.

in my life, wake up calls are essential. and as you can tell, i've become so dependant on my wake up calls that, without one, i'd basically sleep right through everything. quite literally. this month, has been chockful of wake up calls. in my personal, professional, and spiritual life.

the sandman has been hard at work with me, keeping me slumbering away. and i think it's time for him to retire or at least take a break.

work has been as per normal, but the future of my work now is a bit in limbo as higher powers mess up our, mere mortals' fate. i'm talking in the literal sense, not figurative. God, i'm sure has been hard at work making sure that things go according to His will. but the higher powers in the workforce here, have been screwing up my life to no end.

first, i discover, that my registration application papers were filed late, hence, not procuring a registration for me for the coming work year and which leads to me not knowing where i will be posted to next as a Medical Officer or when i'll be able to start work. i should have just applied for no paid leave straight up.
then, i find out, that i have to pay income tax to this little island. no problems right? that would be the case, except for the fact that the deadline to file the income tax has lapsed. how did i not know this? because the same higher powers that were supposed to look after me by making sure of my livelihood next year, failed to mail me the letter sent to them, as they're my employers, that details my income tax submission. great.

last night, i swear, i was on the verge of a massive meltdown. apart from storming out of my room to pick my housemate's brain as to how i'm going to rectify all these cock-ups, i snapped like a twig bent too far into two. my poor housemate had just gotten back from Bali and i didn't even say hi to him before i launched into my tirade of misfortune.

but as i said, wake up calls are essential to me. this is a huge one. i'm no longer gonna wallow in self-pity and act piteously. screw this. i'm stronger than this. much stronger. and it's time for this sleeping giantess to wake up.

2010-04-19T13:07:00.002+08:00

i'm listening to an album by a young singer by the name of Dionne Bromfield, who is also known as Amy Winehouse's goddaughter. the album is a mixture of some oldies and some original songs. the common thread that seems to hold the seams of the album together is the wishful thinking of young love. she sings of the love you find at the playground while playing hopscotch with your girlfriends and every so often, sneak a peek at the group of boys over on the other side of the playground playing tag. you catch the eye of the boy you like and you smile a secret smile. one that only you and him can decipher. your girlfriends know and giggle alongside you when you excitedly tell them that the two of you made eye contact. she also sings of caution passed down by the older generation. when a mother tries to spare her child of the heartache that she knows would follow her no matter what. for that is the destiny of a woman. she will live her life with her heart on her sleeve.

how simple it all seemed back then. when we were younger, more naive and less cautious with our heart. when holding hands would be enough to give you a high that would last days. but sooner, rather than later, we all have to get our hearts broken. the day will come when he no longer shows up to the playground and you wonder. and you wait. anxiously. you don't know what happened. and you question yourself. did i do something wrong? does he not like me anymore? did that other girl with the pretty braids catch his eye? it all seems to simple. he sees a prettier girl and that's that. young children can be very cruel. they're too young to understand tact and politeness and will just follow their gut instinct wherever it calls them. no rules, no responsibilities.

and no matter how many times our mothers caution us, in the heat of the rush of hormones and happy highs, we throw her cautions to the wind. heedless to the fact that she speaks from experience and wisdom that can only come from similar occasions. she too was young once and she might have made the same mistakes. not wanting us to see the same fate, out of immense love, she tries to save us from ourselves. but it is always futile.

2010-04-18T17:40:00.003+08:00

awkward moments are probably the least favourite situations a person can be in. be it at work, in their personal lives, with strangers and even with their loved ones. i myself have had my fair share of awkward moments. some people may think that to avoid awkward moments, one just has to avoid them and let it blow over by itself. but i, on the other hand, feel that awkward moments should be ridden out like pain. of course, there are painkillers you can take to ease or even numb the pain. but that leads to dependance and addiction. but if you ride through the pain, not only would you be able to handle the pain better if it comes back, you'll also learn how to block it out and eventually live with it until it subsides on it's own. that's what awkward moments are like for me. i'd rather go through them sooner rather than later and i think it's a pretty darn good philosophy.

2010-04-18T17:34:00.000+08:00

hahaha...yes lyn, thank you very much for me new header. =)

2010-04-18T17:09:00.003+08:00

Dear gracielau,

I think your little sister should deserve some credit for taking the effort and time (well, not much time really) to draw you a nice blog header, and put it up for you while you're working in the Hospital :)

Say thank you!

<3, Lyn

2010-04-17T14:12:00.002+08:00

from the little that i remember of last night, there's this little niggling thought at the back of my head. the club, in all it's glory was as packed as it usually is. sweaty bodies writhing up against each other on the dance floor. scantily clad women all vying for the attention of every man in the room. and in the little cocoon of otherworldliness that people escape to, a sign on the monitor would flash every once in a while, jolting people back to reality.

LOVER or MOLESTER
DANCING or STEALING

there were another 2 phrases which escape me at this point, but they were along the same vein. and it got me thinking. something i'm sure not many people want to do when they're clubbing and all out trying to have a good time. we escape to this place and search for something that would ease the burdens of the everyday humdrum. women allow themselves to be touched and held by men who then hardly know. men seize the opportunity to draw close physically to these women as they know that for tonight, and if they're lucky, a few more nights, there aren't any holds barred. those that don't pique the fancy of the men in the club wonder and question whether there's something wrong with them, and drop their guard even more. and when the hint of interest comes their way, they grab it and cling on with their fingernails. i see couples dancing around me, and i wonder, how many of them are lovers and how many are just opportunists?

i see a group of people, slightly younger than me. and the first thing that hit me was the amount of bottles on their table. they were, at most, a group of 10 and there were at least 5 bottles on their table. and what struck me was how they were hitting back drinks like there was no tomorrow. it was as though they were racing to see who gets drunk first. the girls were happily giggling away, drunkenly swaying to the music while the guys were mechanically drinking their way to liver hell.

i'm in no way being self righteous about drinking, as i indulge in a few shots and cocktails ever so often, but maybe now i'll be a bit more mindful when it comes to the consequences of this escape.

whether these little reminders of reality actually get through to these people to remember to be safe while having fun, it's a different matter. but it reassures me that at least some people know that the reality of escaping can be very dangerous.

2010-04-17T13:51:00.001+08:00

i woke up this morning and gingerly placed my feet on the ground. for some reason, the soles of my feet felt raw and tingly. like the top layer of skin had been sandpapered off and it was all sensitive. and then i stretched and i swear, i could hear my muscles groan in complaint at being pulled unnecessarily. i put on my glasses and went to brush my teeth. i blearily peeked at my face in the mirror and was satisfied to see that i had the decency to wipe off all my makeup before tumbling to bed early this morning. i brushed my teeth and hopped into the shower to wake myself up. and when the water hit me aching body, suddenly it wasn't just aching, it was stinging all over! wake up i did, alright. looked all over and found mini cuts and bruises all over my legs and arms. and i have no idea where they came from!

last night must have been THAT good.

so anyway, i made a promise to myself that i would CLEAN the house, do my LAUNDRY and sort out my CLOSET today. i started with laundry. never, ever let 2 weeks worth of laundry to pile up. it's overwhelming! good part is that i actually made FULL use of my wardrobe. especially when it came to undergarments. i never knew i had so much. after i put the first load in, i decided that it was time to clean the house. but i grew lazy and i called up my landlord's maid. *shrug* she does it so much better and all i have to deal with is her body odour lingering in the air after she's done. nothing a little air freshener can't fix. so i then tackled my closet. i would have taken a picture of a before and after shot, but that would require effort and i just forgot la. but i swear i have no idea where half of these come from. i'm digging right to the back of my closet and i'm pulling out clothes that are HIDEOUS! where the heck do these things come from?! i really do not remember buying any of these. then i realise, oh wait, they're some of the clothes my mom left behind for herself. what a relief! i thought i had gone on some drunken shopping spree that i had no recollection of. so i packed up all the clothes that i never wear and i bundled them up into a spare suitcase and voila! i've got extra closet space! very essential after going shopping with the little sister over my last break back home and buying a ton of clothes in a span of 2 hours.

so the checklist goes:
1. laundry - check
2. clean the house - check
3. sort out my closet - check.

now i think i need to go sort out my shoes. way huger task. way, way huger task.

2010-04-16T08:30:00.000+08:00

when i was a little girl, the sound of an ambulance siren would make my heart race and i would instantly crane my neck and excitedly look around to see that telltale white van with the red and blue lights flashing overhead. it would pique my curiosity no end. were they rushing to or from an emergency? was there an accident somewhere? is the patient already inside, fighting for his life? did anyone die?

these questions never really bothered me much back then. it was all part of game. something exciting to break the monotony of everyday life. a glamourous thing that was so much more interesting than my own life. it would hold my interest for 5, maybe 10 minutes, wondering if they managed to get to the hospital on time. scenes from medical tv shows would flash across my mind, piecing together a story that was entirely made up in my head and it would then be forgotten. never knowing the outcome, didn't really bother me. i guess i somehow knew that it wouldn't affect me, so why bother?

now, everytime i hear the wail of an ambulance siren, my heart still races. but for a different reason.

the fear of a person's life is now very real. everyday, the reality of hospital life sinks in deeper, cementing itself into my very soul. people DO die. and it does matter or not whether they make it. lives are affected, even if it's not the excited little girl's life back then. the tragedy of losing someone dear is much too tangible to be counted as a fleeting and expected part of life. the loss of a child before it's even born, the passing of an elderly woman while undergoing a procedure to help extend her life, the devastation of bad news when it's conveyed. all brings to mind that we never really understand what's going on around us or how God deals your hand.

the sound of a siren just broke the morning silence. from the way the tires are skidding on the slippery road tells me that it's pretty serious. not 2 minutes has passed and there's a code blue announcement. a child has stopped breathing in the emergency department.

i can still feel my heart racing.

2010-04-14T17:10:00.004+08:00

the best part of being in a maternity hospital and in an obstetric ward, is that i get to hold newborn babies.

was feeling forlorn and under the weather when i passed by the nursery and saw little bundles of pink and blue all wrapped up tight. instant melting moment. i couldn't stop myself, i went into the nursery, washed my hands and picked up the most adorable little bundle of gooey, soft, warm and sweet smelling thing in the world.

then he started crying.

and he wouldn't stop.

no matter how much i rocked him. and cooed him. and patted him. HE JUST WOULDN'T STOP! i was determined. i would make him stop! i think some reflex in me kicked in. and i was like...eh...if now cannot even make baby stop crying, what say next time when it's your own kid!? ok...so i was determined to make him stop. i sung to him. i swayed myself like a freaking rocking chair. i let him suck on my pinky. i did everything short of letting him breastfeed! and then i did it. i made him stop. and you know what did it?

giving him back to his mother.

2010-04-14T11:27:00.006+08:00

today is seriously shaping up to be a horrible one.

went to bed last night vowing to make today a happy one. where i pull myself out of the doldrums and into the sunshine.

i guess Murphy really is my best friend.

here's what happened:
1. i woke up late. i distinctly remember pressing the snooze button when my alarm went off at 6, only to find that the next time i opened my eyes, it was 6.53. BLOODY HELL! i literally leapt out of bed, rushed to the toilet and in record time was in my clothes, frantically putting on my makeup. it's a good thing i had already picked out what to wear last night and they were just tossed on my bed's bedframe.

but it's ok. i managed to reach work at 7.15. which isn't late at all. so i was still bright-eyed and bushy tailed. eager to await the good things that will come my way and that all is right with the world. my hair looked good today, no more breakouts, i managed to get a lift to work. yada, yada, yada.

2. got to work later than my MO to find that she had already rounded. and it turns out, she got blasted on my behalf about a case that was really stupid. we had a patient that was being difficult about her blood sugar monitoring and yesterday i went to talk to her about it. so after doing that, the rational thing would be document in the case notes as to what went down. and yesterday while documenting, already at the back of my mind i knew that this would blow up in the morning as the consultant in charge of the patient was known to be irrational and really anal about her patients. and i was right. consultant blasted the MO and the nurses this morning saying that we were incompetent.

so i guess it was a good thing that i came late, right? since i didn't get the brunt of the consultant's wrath. but i felt really bad for my sweet MO who i swear is made out of milk and honey. she is the sweetest thing. so i was STILL optimistic about today. i smelt nice, the nurses told me i looked very pretty, i was wearing pretty new shoes and i finished all my work before 9.45am. etc, etc, etc.

but i digress.

3. i failed a test that was basically failproof! wtf. didn't help that i was post call and falling asleep ON the test paper itself. there were drool marks to prove it. so tired that i left at least 3 questions blank. i knew that on the last page, i wasn't even reading the questions anymore and was basically circling the answers blindly. now i gotta retake the test. and i don't know when that will be. and it might be a viva. i hate viva. thank goodness it doesn't affect my posting results. cross my fingers that they won't find the time to reschedule and i end up finishing my posting before they can. but knowing my luck, that won't happen.

i have succumbed to my deplorable fate that is making a mockery out of my optimism.

and now i'm cheering myself up by OD-ing on vitamin gummy chewables.

my life sucks.

2010-04-13T08:26:00.002+08:00

a box of tissues sit next to me. as if tempting me to shed even more tears than i already have. taunting me. i cannot give in. for the sake of my mascara and my mental wellbeing. i have to be strong. i have to move on.

i look at the people around me. they each have their own story and i wonder what it is. how does a person get through each day with this weight of the unknown on their back? i fear for what i don't know. it grips me and doesn't seem to want to let go. how does everyone else look so calm, so collected? as though they know exactly how the next few seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years of their lives will pan out?

i trust in a higher power. but lately, it doesn't seem to be helping much. it's been very silent and very aloof.

the emptiness isn't new. there have always been doubts. always been questions and only partial answers. temporary solutions, but nothing very concrete. my life isn't moving on - it's moving past but yet it's stagnant.

i need to get off this treadmill.

2010-02-10T13:20:00.003+08:00

loved the break i had over the weekend.

teck and lisa's wedding was delightful with everything done out of the box. never have i seen a more compatible couple.

labour ward has been very eventful. i think i may have found my calling. even though i know that my girlfriends will all probably shun me once i get my OnG specialist feather in my cap. but hey, i'm helping the other 3 billion women in the world.

the one thing that really hit me was that no matter how hard the men try to help or try to understand what we go through, they fail time and time again. no one understands the amount of energy and pain a woman goes through during pregnancy and delivery. and the thing that pisses me off the most, is that even in this modern time and age, there are still men who are chauvinistic enough to put THEIR needs in front of the labouring wife's.

had this one patient labouring in the hallway and there was her husband, standing watch over her, DISALLOWING her to remove the facepiece of her burkha while she was trying to withstand the pain! and he was insistent that only a female team was allowed to deliver his baby. this is all in the middle of the night and the luck of the draw would have it that their first choice hospital, had no female obstetricians on call that night. 2nd choice hospital, had the same problem. when they finally decided to come here, again, there wasn't a female senior obstetrician on call to do the C-section. even after explaining to him about how much danger his wife would be in if the labour was delayed any longer, he STILL had the gall to say NO to just ONE male obstetrician in the whole team and said that if the wife had to wait, then she'll have to wait and he'll deal with the unfavourable outcome be it death.

having respect for one's religion and wishes is essential, i agree. but in the face of death, would you still want to put up with unnecessary and foolish wishes such as these?

sometimes i think we women might be better off without men. at least, these kind of men.

2010-01-31T17:04:00.002+08:00

when the weekend comes, so comes the dread of the impending work week.
how ironic that when we're happy we're never really, truly happy for fear of what's to come niggling the back of our minds.
why do we always feel the need to pay for our happiness and instead of just accepting it as it is...a gift.
a gift from life, a gift from God.

spent the last few days with some people who matter to me. my housemate just came back from his medical mission trip and it was good to spend time just talking to him. expressing our everchanging views and expectations of life and of ourselves.

how many of us can truly say that we know exactly what we want to do in life? we're doctors, him and i. but we've come to a point where we don't know whether we really want to do this for the rest of our lives. 'tis a noble calling, no one can doubt...but is it OUR calling? we all start out with high hopes and dreams of saving lives and caring for those who need it. but the reality of it, we're just a highly paid garbage clean up crew. we clean up the mess people make of their lives. either by cutting them open and fixing them up, or by dosing them with massive amounts of drugs that whacks out their system. are we really helping? i don't rightly know.

i've got to find more things to make my life more fulfilling because this isn't cutting it. noble or not, this calling takes a lot of perseverance.

2010-01-29T10:39:00.004+08:00

had one of the worst calls in a long time. 2 crash caesars. multiple new admissions. crazy bleeding women everywhere. sometimes i wonder if i really want to go O&G. i love the look of ecstatic joy on the faces of the mother and father. but i hate cleaning up the mess after. the blood and the stitching and the swelling. urghh..thinking about it makes me cringe.

i don't think i'll ever get the smell of latex gloves and blood of my hands. i go to sleep with that smell swimming around my senses. *shudder*

and being around all these highly hormonal women is wreaking havoc on my monthly cycle.

post call in a couple of hours. cannot wait. i need sleep very badly. i have a massive sleep debt that i have yet to repay. don't know when or if i ever will do it. since the only time i get to sleep also happens to be the only time i get to have time to myself to do other things besides work. it's a balancing act i tell you.

wedding band practice tonight. looking forward to it. have yet to test out these vocal chords after a long hiatus. don't rightly know if they still function as they're supposed to.

on the bright side, it's the weekend in a couple of hours for me. gloom and doom on sunday as i have to come to work and then i'm on call on monday again.

2010-01-28T09:30:00.002+08:00

it's not the pale moon, that excites me
that thrills, and delights me
oh no, it's just the nearness of you

it isn't your sweet conversation
that brings this sensation
oh no, it's just the nearness of you

when you're in my arms
and i feel you, so close to me
all my wildest dreams, came true

i need no soft lights
to enchant me
if you, would only grant me
the right to hold you ever so tight
and to feel in the night
the nearness of you

a wedding lasts a day, a marriage lasts a lifetime.
romance, i'm sure, will fade.
but love, love should remain true and everlasting.

as more and more friends make the decision that cements their future together, i cannot help but wonder, is it too late for me? i'm 26 this year and no where near settling down. even though i long for a form of stability to come home to every night and for someone to hold me when i'm going through my labile moments. i just can't seem to picture myself there yet. call me insecure, but i don't know if i'll be able to find someone who's right for me.

i find myself too fickle minded more often than i care to admit. always wondering 'what if' and never fully committing myself. is it because i feel that i've lacked so much earlier on in life that i WANT so much more now? that i should experience everything that i can and not just say 'ok' when it's ok? i don't just want ok. i want excellent and brilliant and a definite resounding YES.

too much to ask for? maybe. unachievable? definitely not. i'm not gonna settle anymore. i'm gonna chase after what i want now. i don't want to listen to people who think they know what's good for me. i want to listen to myself from now on.

2010-01-27T11:15:00.003+08:00

woke up at 5.30 on the morning of the 23rd to a text message that banished any residual sleepiness clouding my foggy brain. there's been a passing in the family. but to my surprise, no wave of sadness came, no shocked sense of disbelief, not even the tiniest feeling of woe. how is it that i could feel nothing from this news that would, i'm sure, in other people would have garnered wails of sorrow and the beating of chests in anger.

maybe it was because i knew this passing was inevitable and that no matter how much we bargain and barter, it would be to naught.

as i got to the airport, with no ticket and no idea of when the next flight out was, i could not help but wonder, was this really necessary?

i hold no claim to knowing this member of the family as well as i should have. seeing as i'm one of the elder of the cousins, i should have more memories of him and in that sense, would have known him better. but i'm ashamed to say that i don't. and that is probably the only thing i regret.

as i paid for the ticket, i looked around me. airports are both at once joyful and sad. but the one thing that binds the two is love.

i look at the other people around me, waiting for the flight. how many of them, like me are rushing home for an emergency? could it be that slightly elderly uncle, who's burying his nose in his newspaper, trying to shut out the world and shield himself from the staring eyes of people who have noticed his slightly swollen eyes, the slightly reddened nose? or could it be the couple sitting in the corner, heads bowed closed to each other, with his arms around her shoulders comforting, whispering words of hope into her ear?

or who among us, had different agendas? maybe a married man, taking a 'business trip' somewhere he knows he won't be seen. a young lady off to travel the world to see what else there is to life other than the mundane everyday dance around the different cubicles in the office. an elderly couple spending the rest of their lives together, traveling to visit loved ones in different parts of the world, grandchildren they adore and dote on.

life goes on. no matter what 'agenda' you have. life goes on. and with that, so does love.

the next few days were a blur. a rush of getting to different places and putting on faces. and in particular, of mending fences.

dirty laundry should never be aired in public, we all know that. but i'm ashamed to say, that ours were almost right there for the world to see, as we slowly but surely came to realise that this man, had a side to him that none of us knew. how long had he been this person that was so celebrated, so loved, so open? we had just had a taste of his goodness and he was taken away. forever to be known only a certain way to us. it leaves quite a bitter taste in the mouth to know that we never paid him the due respect.

but for what that was lacking, we can only hope to make up for now. in the aftermath of such news, it's time to wake up. it's time to move on and realise, that life, does go on.

2009-06-03T17:55:00.002+08:00

i've been fortunate enough to have been on pretty good calls lately.
there are usually 2 house officers on call at any one time. an active and a passive.
an active house officer would usually be the ones to take in all the new cases that are brought up from the emergency department. they'd clerk the new cases, run all the necessary tests and investigations and then subsequently absorb the new patients into their own day teams.
the passive house officer on the other hand would be the one that does all the 'housekeeping' duties during the night. such said housekeeping duties would be setting new IV plugs on patients that don't have any or for those that have pulled them out, taking bloods after the phlebotomists have gone home, inking up new medications and administering first doses of antibiotics to patients who need them.

for those on call, there are certain things that they do to try and ward off any bad calls. for instance, on my first week on the job, an older house officer told me that the only thing that said officer would consume was mee siam...so that all the cases would 'siam' (move/go/get pushed) away. another very superstitious thing they'd follow was that no one should wear red underwear for risk of getting a patient that would bleed out. eating ayam penyet, pau or drinking watermelon juice are a few other things that they refrain from doing. ayam penyet - patient getting squashed/killed. pau - a patient will get wrapped up (think shroud) or the list of new patients will pau (explode in high numbers)

OMG! HOW RIDICULOUS LA!!!!
i can safely say that i've worn PINK underwear, drunk PINK guava juice and have eaten SPAGHETTI (red) on my calls and (cross my fingers) i haven't gotten a bad call as of yet.
eh..pink is like in the same colour family as red la.
haven't tested out the ayam penyet and pau theory yet. but they SWORE that previous house officers that DID eat those items REALLY did get HORRIBLE calls.
i wonder how much truth is in it.
should i tempt fate? hmmm...

anyway..passive calls are usually quite doable unless you get stuck with nurses with brains the size of peas. i'd usually get through all my changes and set up all sorts of plugs and give all sorts of meds by let's say 12ish almost 1. by then i'm knackered to the point of imcomprehensible belief. i'd be scowling and shuffling my feet getting up to the wards, i'd be grunting and honestly i'd be quite rude. so usually by this time, after getting all the changes done, i'd go back to the oncall room where a bed awaits and climb under the sheets with a very very very big sigh of relief. just as i'm about to dose off,

*ring ring ring ring ring*

me: hello.
nurse: hello doktoor.
me: yes.
nurse: i'm kaling prum waard twleb see.
me: and.
nurse: mai paishent in bed pifty tree, Hb draap to ten point fibe.
me: what was it previously? (alert and ready to go if patient needs me)
nurse: oh...haang onn, *shuffling paper sounds* oh..it waas ten point nine. jast kaling to note.
me:..... (hangs up phone)

clearly there wasn't a significant drop. especially not to warrant a call to me. it's these nurses that really make me wanna strangle them.

but not all nurses are that lousy. there are some that really won't bother me until it's very important. ah...now that's when they're an asset to have.

and it's not really all about the nurses calling to wake me up to note about patient's blood or biochemistry results. sometimes they do call for important things like when a patient suddenly becomes delirious.

*ring ring ring ring ring*
me: hello.
nurse: hello doctor, sorry to bother you. but my patient in ward 12d bed 89 pulled out his IV plug and is now delirious. he's also trying to pull out his urinary catheter. i have restrained him and pulled him out to the corridor so as not to wake up the other patients. do you mind coming over to just review him and maybe give him a sedative? i've gotten all the meds ready.
me: ok i'll be right there.

true enough, the said patient WAS delirious. even with the restraints, he'd managed to pull down his pants, exposing his hoohoo and trying to reach for the catheter sticking out of it. he's 85 by the way.

me: uncle! (he's partially deaf so i have to bellow)
uncle: hmm! yes yes!
me: what are you doing?
uncle: i have to pee!
me: but you have a catheter. you don't need to go pee.
uncle: untie me! why do you treat me like a criminal? let me go!
me: we're just making sure you don't do any harm to yourself uncle. it's for your own good!
uncle: no! let me go! i didn't do anything wrong! untie me! don't treat me like a criminal!
me: you have to calm down uncle! it's ok. you're safe!

i went on and on trying to placate him. all the while trying to listen to his heart and chest to make sure no infection was causing the delirium. but turns out, he's always a bit weird at night.

it was ok for the first time. but subsequently it kept repeating itself and i remember sending a text to a friend saying
'old delirious men who keep pulling out their plugs and catheters should be screwed inside out until they shit sideways'
yeah..i was pissed and cranky at 4.30 am in the morning without any sleep and having the next full day of work loom alarmingly close.

well....off to tempt fate.

2009-05-25T09:42:00.002+08:00

wow.

it's really been quite a while hasn't it?

i'd actually left this blog up for death but something kept pulling me back.

many a time have i come back to this page and itched to type something out.

but i always felt that my little rantings and posts have been insignificant and somewhat silly.

but here i am again. silliness or not, i feel the need to write.

many things have happened since i last penned down a few lines. i'm now working in Singapore. enjoying it, i have to admit...that i am. i've made some very nice friends whom i share a bond with. be it slaving away together or just struggling and relearning life afresh. patients are the center of my world now as they are all i see everyday. and odd as it may sound, i look forward to work every morning. dredging out of bed at 6am every morning isn't as hard as i thought it would be.

i've come to learn a lot about myself. that i CAN do things if i put my mind to it and that i should JUST DO IT instead of making excuses and procrastinating. true, i may get scolded and yelled at along the way. but then it all just becomes water under the bridge. after all, housemanship is only a year. and then..who knows where life may take me. i'm blessed that i've got really great people who have my back and who i know i can always call on for help. makes me feel less anxious. true, i started out late...a whopping 4 months after graduation. but no regrets. i've done many things in my 4 months of non-medicine. and i loved it.

having visitors come visit me from home has been another up in this bungee life. the anticipation and excitement it brings when i know that the weekend is coming and a loved one is going to be at my doorstep. but reality always hits after a mere 48 hours of bliss and parting; as a wise man once said 'is such sweet sorrow'. although i find nothing sweet in it now, i know that the sweetness he so enigmatically spoke about will eventually come.

and now...on to greater things in life.

'when there's trouble, they call DW'

2008-09-16T17:57:00.002+08:00

my car ran out of petrol today. pushed it right to the limit deep in the red. thought i'd go about filling it up after group discussion this afternoon. but it wouldn't even start up. it would fire up and then 'put put put' it'd die.

great.

had to go to the gas station and BUY a tin to FILL up with petrol. bloody tin cost 10 bucks and would only fill up to 5 litres. bleh.

i'd always wonder what it'd be like for the car to just run out of petrol and refuse to start up. i read about it in books and watch it being played out in movies. and i'd always think to myself. 'how could these people be so stupid as to drive, drive, drive and then NOT notice that the fuel gauge is heading below the red?'.

well, i guess i'm one of them stupid people. thank goodness the petrol station was just down the road.

this is what i get for trying to wait til it's cheap petrol wednesday to fill up my tank.

exams on thursday and friday. obstetrics and gynaecology. 2 osce stations and one 300 T/F paper. can someone say 'die'?

*grabs scissors and stabs own eyes*

2008-09-11T18:18:00.003+08:00

drives to hospitals are usually the time when i have my daily conversations in my head. i figured, since i'm on the road and i'm free to turn around and drive anywhere i want once i've decided, it's a good way to make decisions.

but i know i'm really tired when i'm having my conversation in my head and i get round to the subject of shopping and i straightaway veto it no.

but it's a good sort of tired.

was in the hospital birthing suite with a mother til 2 am last night. but once that got done, a huge boulder lifted from my shoulders.

4 babies. delivered, done and dusted.

i know 4 deliveries doesn't sound like much, but when you're competing with other medical students and midwife students, it's not very easy.

i'm suddenly thinking very hard about having normal deliveries. it's not easy at all.

2008-09-08T16:56:00.003+08:00

so the last bribe worked. i managed to get 2 babies.

bribery 2.0

hopefully this time round, it'll get me another 2.

2008-09-07T15:57:00.002+08:00

days of being a couch potato and lying in bed doing nothing has taken it's toll.

flabby arms. check.
tummy wobble. check.
jiggly thighs. check.
splitting headache. check

this is what happens when you take

six parts laziness to go to the gym with one part oncoming period and two parts looming exams and endless counts of a big bed and room.

simple equation. simple result.

for those ladies who say

'oh...i can eat anything i want and never grow fat. hehehe...'

or

'i wish i could just put on a couple of kilos...'

LIARS! (i would normally use a stronger sounding expletive. but due to the recent phone calls from the mother frantically asking what the matter is or why i'm using such strong a.k.a. foul language, i shall be PG)

you're all anorexics and bulimics who either STARVE yourselves or binge to the point of guilt and then PURGE/VOMIT it all out again.

you can tell that i'm not in a good mood.

my life....stinks.

2008-09-01T18:07:00.007+08:00

omg i think i'm the worst girlfriend ever la.

i'm short tempered, i'm irrational, i jump to conclusions, i can't handle stress and therefore take it out on him. =(

i suck. i so need to get a grip on myself.

and another thing.

i was having a chat with him earlier and somehow, it was during the documentary hour where sir david attenborough was talking about mammals in the water. and while talking to him, otters were being featured! and i tell you, anyone who's seen documentaries on otters will KNOW how cute they are. especially when they're cracking large pipis on rocks balanced on their tummies while floating on their backs. and throughout the whole conversation, i was just watching it and dumbly grunting replies to him. he eventually gave up talking to me and relinquished me to the television

i suck. i so need to make it up to him.

even my mother has said that the television is my very best friend. my earliest memories are while i'm sitting in front of the television and episodes of sesame street come fleetingly to mind. even right now, i'm typing this very sporadically as it's interspersed with glancing at the television as dolphins are being featured right now. did you know that there are dolphins in the ganges river in india? and because the water is so murky, they've evolved to become completely blind and solely rely on their sonar to find fish? cool eh?

i love docos.

oh..and i love him too. muaks muaks to you sayang.

2008-09-01T10:48:00.003+08:00

decided to give my pins a workout this morning and walked 5 kms to and fro from the supermarket to get some groceries. that's something i will never attempt again. especially on an empty stomach. start getting headachy and nauseous about 500 metres from the supermarket. when i finally reached there, i headed straight for the bakery and bought myself a croissant. things started to look much clearer from then on.

so, i believe in subtle bribery.

baked some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and banana cake to sweeten the palate of the midwives i will be facing on wednesday night. have YET to deliver a baby independantly. bloody midwife students constantly butt in and grab all the cases before we the medical students have the chance.

before

after

it's a bit hard to actually satisfy these women. for all their love of everything sweet, they still will harangue me and ask if i've used unsalted butter, or low fat milk or wholemeal flour. geez. it's all a no, but i tell them all it's a yes. have to placate their guilty conscience somehow.

banana cake

but on that thread, i'm amazed to see how many of them are very aware of what they eat and their portions are minute! i have to admit that i've been eating MORE than they have and STILL they're the size they are. makes me wonder about genetics. loving that i'm chinese right now. but still, some of their ways have rubbed off on me. whenever i go grocery shopping nowadays, i tend to look at the nutrition facts box at the back, side or bottom of the item. counting calories has become a way of life for me and eliminating anything that has slightly too high a calorie or fat content has become a bit of an obsession.

there're so many alternatives to normal. fat-full, calorie-full foods nowadays and honestly, they taste JUST as good. and even fresh produce now can be genetically enhanced to be less fat, or more vitamins or what not. eggs even can be injected with multivitamins! and cheese! there's probiotic cheese, there's lactose-free cheese. gracious. i wonder, will there ever be a fat-free fried chicken? hahah...i hardly think so. very soon, i believe that everything we eat will be so 'healthy' that there won't be a need for the supermarkets to stock up on fat-full, normal 'unhealthy' food.

but without all these normal food, will my char kuey teow taste the same? or my mcdonald's burger? or my baskin robbins ice cream?

i wonder.

2008-08-31T08:09:00.002+08:00

i have this bad sneaky habit of doubting happiness. i always think that if something really good happens, something really bad is on it's way and the good bit just acts as a buffer.

take a couple of weeks back. i can't really remember them now. but three really great things happened to me, back to back. and one night when i was out 'celebrating' with a friend, i had this sneaky, suspicious feeling that the end of it, wasn't going to be good.

things were all good until last week. and i literally mean the WHOLE week was quite misfortuitous. and it kept coming at me like a sledgehammer breaking up concrete. every morning i would pray, "God please take control of the day" and maybe it's His way of teaching me and disciplining me, but nothing went right for me throughout the week.

i was in quite the doldrums, to say the least.

that night, when i was out celebrating over dinner, and i told my friend about this premonition i had, she cut me short and said, "stop it grace. don't do that. don't feel that you have to be guilty over being happy" and it made me think. do any of us REALLY feel grateful that we're happy? because, isn't it when we're suffering that we truly appreciate what's good around us? and isn't it when we're unhappy that we tend to long for those ever elusive happy times? and isn't it when we're completely down on ourselves and in that little black hole that is our mind, that we really start to cry out to Him and rely on Him?

i don't know. maybe.

i'm crying out.

2008-08-24T13:15:00.004+08:00

i hate mullets. they look horrible. i was on a bus the other day on the way to hospital and i saw this guy with a mullet. and it ruined the rest of my day.

i'm of the opinion that if i start my day off by seeing something happy or nice while on the way to work, the rest of the day will be good. but then, i saw that guy with the mullet.

oh that acursed thing. i have NO IDEA why guys want to keep mullets. to look tough? dude, you look half sissy, half weird with that hairdo. it's neither here nor there. yuck. please, grow out of the 80's and cut your hair. and this was some OLD FAG ok! like he was still trying desperately to hold on with the edges of his ratty, bitten down fingernails to his youth. spoilt my day.

then...

i had to pass by krispy kremes donuts to get to the connecting bus stop. and i haven't had them in AGES! i knew i was allowed at least one! but then my head said to my tummy. no. you can't have them. your hips won't thank you. your chicken wings won't either. sigh...so i girded myself up, and SHUT MY NOSE SO THAT THE SMELL WOULDN'T TEMPT ME! and i succeeded!

i reached the bus stop and there were these 2 old men standing outside carrying a whole bunch of knick knacks in bright happy yellow! so to cheer myself up, i thought, hmm, maybe i'll buy something from them to make me happy. they were selling daffodils, bright yellow and happy, pens, brooches and keychains. i asked how much the flowers were and was slightly taken aback. 5 stems for 5 bucks. eek. and they only came in that sized bunch. so i switched. maybe i'll buy a pen. since it's more useful. so i picked one up and asked how much it was. 5 bucks. eek. i couldn't put it down now since i've already picked it up. it'd seem rude if i just decided to LEAVE after their smiles and kindly eyes beckoned me. ish. so i bought the pen. and they said thank you. written on the pen was daffodil day. i had no idea what it meant. but later found out that it was for the cancer council and the money raised from selling those knick knacks were to be donated. ok la...at least the money i saved from buying a donut went into donating to the cancer council.

sheesh. just as i was patting myself on the back for money well spent.

2008-08-17T19:41:00.002+08:00

my dear friend,

the day came when you decided to stand up for yourself and not back down.

i'm proud of you.

it was a difficult step to take what with all the history and stepping stones laid down, but you did it anyway because you knew that it was the right thing to do.

your heart is something that you should never take lightly dear one. even though right now, it might be in too many a piece that you care it to be, do not be disheartened. for we, your friends will be the glue to help piece it back together.

remember that you are loved.

and remember that no matter what, we will always stand by you.

love you, dear heart.

2008-08-16T09:45:00.006+08:00

It’s a Saturday morning and I’m reading a magazine in my room while waiting to hear the washing machine sing me its song to let me know that the laundry’s done. And while reading the magazine, I came across this article written by this guy that says that girls shouldn’t be so uppity and tense about how they look because individuality is key. I’m summarizing. This is basically the gist of it all.

It got me to thinking. We spend countless hours in front of the mirror, putting on the perfect flawless face (think foundation, concealer, blush, eyeliner, eyeshadow, fake lashes and mascara), sweat out our glands to within an inch of their lives in the gym, cry as we pay for that ‘I really need that top to look good’ top and shave our legs, arms, pubes and tweeze our eyebrows just so that we can look…just like everyone else.

We’re told which clothing brand to wear, what kind of fashion is ‘hip’ now, which lotion gives the illusion of longer legs and which hairdo that is all the rage right now, and yet, we don’t tell ourselves that we are beautiful however we look. Be it tall, short, more round than tall, more meat than bones, slightly wonky eyes and slightly fanged teeth. We’re so constantly trying to mold ourselves into looking ‘perfect’ that we fail to already see the perfection that we are. We’re all running after that illusive dream of looking like our favourite star and dressing like that glamorous model. When all we really want to do is be comfortable. Who, honestly in their right mind would want to shimmy into a pair of skintight jeans and walk around in 4 inch heels? They’re all doing it because they THINK that’s what people want and demand. It’s so sad to think of all the little girls nowadays who are so much more influenced and exposed to the cattiness and rat-race of the world. They’re starting to grow up younger. They’re reaching the point of their 30’s when they’re in their early 20’s. And to be frank, with the lifestyle that they’re emulating to adopt, they’re starting to look it too.

That being said, there’s also this ABSURD need to be OVERLY-INDIVIDUAL. Some people would go to enormous lengths JUST to look different and I don’t think that should be the way as well. Now see here, I’m not being all guru about all this yeah..i’m just saying what I’m thinking. I’m not pin-pointing or singling out anyone. It’s just verbal-diarrhoea. Continuing on that vein, I’m talking about people who would purposely lead their lives purposely standing out JUST to be noticed and by doing that, isn’t that ultimately the same as trying to fit in and be like everyone else? It’s all just wanting to be socially accepted and recognized.

I have been somewhat of a recluse lately. Choosing to stay in with a book or watch a dvd rather than hanging out with people and getting wasted. But that’s because I feel comfortable with what I’m doing. I don’t have to go out there to prove that I’m hip and cool by being with other people whose attention or assurance or opinions I need. No one should ever have to do that. Sure we have people that influence us more than others but no one should ever have the right to dictate your life. Just be you. That already-perfect-in-my-skin you.

2008-08-15T20:32:00.002+08:00

i was recently 'chastised' for writing something on my blog which was deemed inappropriate and would potentially cause trouble for the said person involved.

it was never my intention to do so. i was merely expressing my opinions and also to encourage that said person in what he/she was doing.

as it turns out shame on me. since it backfired and he/she saw it in a different light.

which brings me to question. has blogging become so superficial and such a norm that every little thing that is said in it could be used as fodder for fuel? it's ridiculous. i mean, i've even heard of employers who have their employees checked up on the internet. specifically, for their blogs. i understand that when a person has a blog, the whole idea is to put your life on display, in a way. to be put under the microscope and to be read/judged openly. but really, do we have to be so careful as to FILTER what we write JUST IN CASE someone sees it and uses it against us? whatever happened to freedom of speech? and the ability to express feelings, emotions and thoughts openly? NO ONE should dictate what one can or cannot do. especially with one's own blog and life. it's just preposterous. in that case, everyone should go around wearing strings for the puppetmaster to manipulate.

i was told that i'm being naive and that i should wake up and realise that people can harm you and they would go to many lengths just to do so. maybe i AM being naive and i should learn that life is a rat race. and that people would do anything to get ahead. i'll be out in the working world soon. maybe i should start gearing myself up for that. learn how to step on people's toes to get where i want to be. backstab people just to get ahead. climb over people's heads just to reach the top. in simpler terms. i should just be like everybody else.

bullshit.

2008-08-12T08:35:00.014+08:00

the sister came and went. it was a whirlwind of a weekend, what with me trying to take her to visit as many places as possible and her trying to soak up as much vitamin D and catch as many Zs as she can. whoosh.

jie, i want to eat chinese food.

chinese restaurant. see the chinese spoon and half a chinese teacup?

jie, i want to go shopping.

where else, but harbourtown.

jie, i'm bored. let's do something fun. LIKE JIGSAW PUZZLES!

i rue the day i bought that jigsaw puzzle set. it was damn hard to do.

jie, i want the sun.

nah...sun.

jie, i'm hungry.

dim sum ok with you?

jie, let's get our face painted!

damn layan la.

jie, now i won't leave until we win a toy.

big enough toy?

jie! got duck!

no, i cannot catch the duck for you.

jie, let's take lotsa pictures.

=)

burping contests. taking stupid photos. making silly faces. eating so much food until we almost died. laughed until we cried. having so much fun, we didn't want the days to end.

i miss her already.

FASTER COME BACK AND VISIT FOR A LONGER TIME LA!

2008-08-06T13:03:00.004+08:00

call me...

THE BARGAIN QUEEN.

2 minutes rummaging through discount bins have proven fruitful.

these 3 pairs of shoes you see, cost me 30AUD overall. not each.

very happy la. cos i need new black shoes since my plain black shoes all died on me due to the countless kilometers of walking and running around.

...

ekka is coming. don't really know what it is. but it seems to be some sort of carnival fair-type thing. with animals and rides and games and food and such. thought it might be a fun occasion for the SISTER to come over and she is! wheee!! joy of joys. really haven't spent enough time with her. it'll be a full 3 days when she's here. on saturday, i'm planning on taking her shopping in harbourtown since she laments that she's been deprived and hasn't had the time to fulfil her insatiable fashionista appetite. harbourtown would be just the place for her i reckon. full of bargains and pretty little things that she adores. then on sunday, i'm taking her to church and then to ekka just for a look see. in the evening, maybe we'll go have a nice dinner overlooking the river or something. and then on monday, we'll just walk around the city and then it's back to melbourne for her.

...

obs and gynae is proving to be quite interesting. although i know now, that i will never want to specialise in it anymore. gone are my childish dreams of delivering my girlfriends' babies. no thank you. not after what happened last friday night.

i was on graveyard shift at the birthing suite and i thought as it was a friday night, it would be exciting and filled with ladies lining up to pop out their babies.

i was oh-so-wrong.

i got there at 10.30 and was just in time for the handover session from the nurses of the previous shift. after being assigned to a midwife, we went in to see the patient on her list. who happened to have been in labour for the past day. and i swear. it was the longest labour ever. the afternoon before she was admitted, her waters broke, but when she got to the hospital, she wasn't dilated enough. so they told her to go home. the next morning, she came back in and they finally admitted her and induced her to speed up her labour. by the afternoon, it wasn't going anywhere. and by evening, she was dilated to about 5-6 cms. hurrah. step in the right direction. by midnight, after 2 hours of just sitting there, staring at her sleep while her contractions came and went, she was dilated to 7 cms. oh lordy was it taking forever. she was chock full of painkillers to numb her contractions and so she slept through it all. at 2.30am, we checked and finally, she was fully dilated to 10 cms. YES! finally. some action! i glanced at the clock. it's only 2. i'm supposed to be here til 8am. i should be able to see one more and hopefully, have a go at delivering it.

again. oh-so-wrong.

she wasn't ready to give birth yet as her baby's head hadn't descended properly. so again. we had to wait for another couple of hours. by 3.30, the midwife checked again and said she was good to go and that she could start pushing.

won't go into the details. but push she did. til she was literally purple in the face. but her baby wasn't coming out through the birth canal fast enough. after an hour of fruitless and i must say, very painful pushing, we had to call in the doctors for advice. they decided to use a vacuum cap to help pull the baby out while she pushed. as the minutes ticked by, and after pushing for, what i swear was an age, the mother finally cracked. she had been very placid and even tempered throughout the whole process until now.

'why's the epidural not working?! i f**king feel everything!!'

hee hee hoo hoo hee hee hoo hoo

'AAAAAARGHH!!!! get the hell out of me!'

hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

husband wipes wife's forehead.

'can you NOT wipe my hair into my face?!'

hee hee hoo hoo hee hee hoo hoo

'OH! you're kicking me now aren't you! you little shit!'

hoo hoo hoo hee hee hee

husband gives her a drink of water.

'can you fill the cup up and not give me that little bit to suck?!?'

oh boy. it doesn't sound as bad as it does. it was actually quite comical. with the husband looking all flustered and trying to help but being extremely useless at it and the wife trying with all her might to push that baby out.

finally, with a seriously mighty ROAR, the mother pushed one last time and the baby was out!

it was honestly the most exhilarating things i'd witnessed. but also one of the most tiring. after cleaning the baby who weighed in at 9.8 pounds and was can't remember how long, but he was long, the mother finally got to cuddle and feed her baby. now that was a sight to behold. finally doing something right, the father went around taking pictures of mother and child.

by then, it was 5.30. the nurses took one look at me and told me to go home. that there would be nothing to see there for another 6 hours.

crap. so much for mothers lining the corridor.

2008-08-05T16:25:00.002+08:00

i have recently taken to doing very auntie things. well, things that i thought were auntie to begin with. but then i realised, i'm not exactly the youngest of upperstarts nowadays. so then wat's wrong with doing auntie things. auntie things can be very useful wan you know. you get things out of it. not like young upperstart things where nothing good comes of it.

i ramble.

but back to auntie things that i've recently been doing.

i've been KNITTING!

yes! you didn't read wrong. it's K-N-I-T-T-I-N-G

and it's quite fun! except the crampy fingers after too long.

this is the product of my first attempt. =) made a similar one in grey for the pester sister.

say nice. must.

2008-08-05T12:16:00.004+08:00

i woke up yesterday morning feeling extremely happy that i didn't have any clinics scheduled early in the morning. i rolled around and lazed in bed until i felt that i really DID need to get up. which was at about 10.30. quickly checked my timetable to make sure that i really didn't have anything on. true enough. but had a clinic on a 1. plenty of time, plenty of time.

dum dee dum dum..

had some cheese and crackers for breakfast while hopelessly trying to connect online. there's something wrong with my laptop. it keeps disconnecting. which annoys the hell out of me. ended up watching a dvd. anyhewwww...

11.30 came. jumped into the shower for a quick wash and after deciding what to wear and putting on my face, it was 12.25. walked down the stairs and remembered that i forgot my car keys. glanced at my wrist. crap, i forgot my watch was dead. got my car keys and almost tripped running down the stairs. opened the door and accidentally kicked something.

'what's that?'

little brown package with a red fragile sticker on the side.

'oooooh!'

little brown package with the name Grace Lau on the front. (okay la i was too excited forgot to take pic of the packaging before tearing off the paper)

RIIIIIPPP!

'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!'

that's squealing by the way. in case you didn't get it.

i saw the box and i seriously couldn't stop grinning lorh! and was also continuously going

'oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god.'

isn't it the most beautiful thing ever? (i know got richer people with nicer looking ones with bling bling and shing shing all la. but don't burst my bubble please)

siiiiiigh. my heart is melt.

and to think the night before we had a little tiff due to my PMS-ing. and then this came. everything also ok already la!

i very happy =)

2008-05-15T08:00:00.001+08:00

emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards

ancient romans believed that chickpeas to be a powerful aphrodisiac, especially for men

the size of your foot is approximately the size of your forearm

the only thing that can destroy a diamond is intense heat

on average, woman dream more than men

there are 34 bathrooms in the white house

the largest member of the cat family is the male lion weighing 240kg

2008-05-14T09:03:00.002+08:00

the gastric juices of a snake can digest bones and teeth, but not fur or hair

the blow of a blue whale can reach over 12 meters in height

the short-term memory capacity of most people is between 5 and 9 items or digits

mickey mouse has four fingers on each hand

the average person spends 2 weeks of their life waiting for a traffic light to change

120 drops of water fill a teaspoon

the inca indians of panama tie a string of chillies on behind their boat to repel sharks

the largest pumpkin ever grown recorded a weight of 482kg

2008-05-13T19:29:00.001+08:00

an eggshell has nearly 8000 pores that allow oxygen to flow in and carbon dioxide to flow out, allowing the chick to breathe

researchers claim that light green as a colour is effective in relieving the feeling of homesickness

an average person sheds about 750grams of skin per year

embryos of tiger sharks fight each other while in their mother's womb, the survivor being the baby shark that is born

ancient greek and roman men had an average lifespan of 36 years

a fear of dying laughing is called cherophobia

a baby grey whale consumes enough milk to fill more than 2000 bottles a day

2008-04-21T09:24:00.001+08:00

there's something wrong with my comments box. i can get comments. but it doesn't show if there are any comments. weird.

how do i fix it?

2008-04-20T18:50:00.002+08:00

yeah, i, tell you something,
i think you'll understand,
when i, say that something,
i wanna hold your hand,

i wanna hold your hand,
i wanna hold your hand.

oh please, say to me,
you'll let me be your man,
and please, say to me,
you'll let me hold your hand,

now let me hold your hand
i wanna hold your hand

and when i touch you,
i feel happy inside,
it's such a feeling that my heart,
i can't hide, i can't hide, i can't hide

yeah you, you got that something,
i think you'll understand,
when i, feel that something,
i wanna hold your hand,

i wanna hold your hand,
i wanna hold your hand,
i wanna hold your hand.

was talking to a friend just now who very casually bought a lottery ticket in hopes of winning at prize of 30 million australian dollars. i was very tempted to laugh in his face and go

'HAH! like you'll ever win.'

but i stopped myself before i could utter those words, thinking. hey, why bring him down? there's ALWAYS a possibility of winning. even though it's next to impossible, there's always hope. so he was thinking aloud, all the things he would buy if he wins the money. a house. a few cars. some well-placed properties here and there. travel. and then,

'what car do you like?'

huh?

'i'm gonna buy you a car.'

huhh?

'but it has to be red. like the one that you have now.'

huhhh??

'and with the red, i'm gonna make sure that it has black spots on it. so then i can officially call it the ladybug!'

WTF

'and i'm going to make the horn sound like the sound a ladybug makes. bzzzz. bzzzz. bzzzzzzz.'

only these kinda people will buy lottery tickets i tell you.

baby post of the day. why do babies get congratulated when they burp, pee and poop? and when they fart, people laugh and say 'oh! how cute!' i burp in public and i get nasty looks. when i say i need to pee, people say, 'pee la! like that also need to tell.' and when i need to poop, people go 'eeyier! come on la! don't have to let us know right?' moral of the story. if there's a baby around and you fart, blame it on the baby.

i'm off to soo yi's place. gonna accompany her while she TRIES to get her assignment done, which was due last friday. no sleep tonight, i won't get, no sleep tonight.

2008-04-19T12:56:00.004+08:00

it's getting colder. the wind is starting to blow it's chilliness right into my bones. i struggle to sleep at night due to my colder than usual feet. everytime they starts to feel the slightest bit warmer, a draft suddenly appears from nowhere and freezes them up again. socks don't help. cos somehow, when i wake up in the morning, they're no longer on my feet.

...

was walking around the mall with soo yi earlier just now, and i couldn't help but notice that there seemed to be babies EVERYWHERE. i think there's just recently been a baby boom. not only here but also back home. where did they all come from? did we get hit by some sort of fertility wave that anyone who so much as THINKS of having a baby will suddenly find themselves with child? no, i'm not being cynical or bitter. i'm just jealous. maternal hormones are starting to take over my being even as i start to type this. i just can't help but feel slightly panicky over the fact that i'm 24 this year and that the promise i made myself to have my firstborn before i turn 30 is starting to catch up to me. holy schmoly! it's only 6 more years before i'm 30! i graduate end of the year, start working next year, TRY to build up a career and save SOME money in the next 5 years. it all suddenly seems like time is running out. so weird isn't it? on the other hand, these are supposed to be the best years of my life. i've got my youth, my energy, my vitality and all i can do is WORRY? i'm supposed to be enjoying myself, 'enjoying' my work and of course, enjoying my freedom of NOT having burdens like mortgages and debts to think about. but then, why do i feel as though i don't have that luxury?

last year, when i was back in kl, i attended 4 weddings. thank goodness, there wasn't a funeral. and this year, there's going to be at least 6 weddings to attend and these friends are all, give or take 2 years, around my age! hello bello? where did this sudden craze to get married come about? friends are shacking up together, having kids, getting married. and here i am, still studying. jolly good ol' fruit, i say.

this is how i feel right now. and i miss him.

2008-04-16T18:27:00.002+08:00

it's been another couple of months since i last blogged. again it's boiled down to a WHOLE lot of laziness and just a little bit of busy-ness.

as previously logged, the boyfriend came to visit. was extremely happy for those very short 9 days. to put it in his words;

'it was as though i didn't have any worries. everything was perfect'

cliche? i think so too. but very true nonetheless.

so what do i have to do to revive a dying blog. at this point, you're probably going;

'oh no. it's another one of those "how to save my blog from it's diminishing readership" posts'

well, sucks to be you then, doesn't it?

i've joined a gym. if anyone cares. have been going everyday for the last week. except today. i've got a headache. feels like an elephant's stomping around in there. i've been wondering to myself if it's just the 'new brooms sweep clean' mentality i'm going through right now, since i've been going everyday. or could my subconscious be silently egging me on, cheering for me to change my very--what's that word? it's at the tip of my tongue but i can't seem to get it. come on, come on. SEDENTARY! that's it. my subconscious could be silently egging me to, cheering for me to change my very sedentary lifestyle in the hopes of reaching new heights of health and happiness. i don't get that phrase. people keep saying, healthy people are happy people. these 'people' obviously have never been to a gym. because when i'm there, the only kinds of people i see are the ones that are overweight, gritting their teeth and puffing out their very red cheeks trying to catch their breath. they don't look very happy to me. no siree. and have you ever encountered those people who are so regimented in their routine, that if you were coincidentally caught using a weight machine that is part of their routine at their OWN set time, they'd snarl at you and give you very dirty, scary looks, FORCING you to get off 'their' machine. no thank you. i'll just stick to the treadmill and the bicycle thank you very much.

so--why am i going to the gym again? i forgot.

anyone know of how to get rid of headaches? since panadol and nurofen doesn't seem to work for me.

2008-02-22T09:48:00.006+08:00

so it's been 3 months since my last post. heh. sorry. been super lazy to update and type out things. especially since there were so many other things to do.

in no chronological order, i shall attempt to update all you guys with what's been happening the past 3 months.

i repeat, attempt.

ok, maybe i'll do it in monthly order.

DECEMBER

the very modern Christmas tree

went back to kl

found out i failed my surgery exam

spent the holiday studying, meeting up with friends, attending umpteen weddings (i wanna get married too), helping to PLAN weddings for THIS year, went to bali for a family holiday, put on a ton of weight, got roped into singing in the Christmas choir the instant i touched down, friend's birthdays, had the most awesome christmas eve and new year's eve party with best friends, fell in love.

siew pheng, me, vanessa, esther

me, baby alyssa and esther

at alicia's wedding, me, shine, vanessa, liming

congratulations adrian and isabel

the lau women

at one of the temples in bali

sisters

dad and mum

spaaaaaaaaa

at eugene's brithday dinner at 7ate9

at souled out on Christmas eve

with the girls on new year's eve

and boys

outside, after the fireworks

JANUARY

came back to australia, stressed myself silly over exam, stayed with cousin Caleb and his girlfriend, Shireen for a while since i was too chicken shit to stay alone with random people poking their heads into my window and walking around my garden, moved house, now staying with strangers whom i thoroughly like, started hospital rounds, fell more in love.

FEBRUARY

went camping in fraser island with Caleb and gang, cooked Chinese New Year reunion dinner, daddy came to visit, spent Valentine's day with family, bought a new camera, went to melbourne for a weekend, bought a car, drove to GC to see the sister, Esther during her transit to melbourne, met up with some old young friends, phebe and phyllis, who i used to babysit when i lived in ss15, the love's coming to visit in march. =)

after a very filling chinese new year reunion dinner

looking for our way on fraser island

taking a dip in lake mackenzie

lake mackenzie

rawr

my daddy in melbourne, typing an sms to my mummy

dad and me

kenneth and abby

jason and ahkim

the laus and the chongs in melbourne

melbourne city

my new car

meeting esther in GC

phebe and phyllis outside the three monkeys

condensed, concised and completely boring.

the younger sister is at home feeling lonely, the mother is at home trying to get over the fact that she only has ONE daughter left with her at home, the father is in melbourne, anxious to get home to his bedwarmer and the boyfriends are back at home, pining for their girlfriends. long-distance sucks, have i said that?

and yes, i got a car, a small, nifty, zip around town, little year 2000, red, holden barina, 1.4 liter engine, 3 door hatchback, automatic car. bought it 2nd hand after traipsing around in the rain with daddy one day. it was like a ray of light that pierced through the cloudy skies and shone upon THE car for me. quite happy about it. although daddy DID say that i would probably get fat once i get the car since i won't be running around, chasing after buses anymore. but hey....i'm not gonna drive the car ALL the time. i hope. i think daddy himself was getting a bit peeved off having to chase the bus and waiting inordinately long amounts of time for it to come. not to mention the nights spent in my room doing NOTHING since we didn't have any wheels to go drive around. but that has all changed. i have fulfilled my dream of taking my daddy for drives along the coast to show him the beautiful houses and marvellous beaches brisbane has to offer. now he's thinking of buying a house here. eeps.

and yes, the boyfriend's coming to visit. won't divulge too much details here. not safe. shhhh...

now i'm thinking of baking banana chocolate chip muffins for su-ann's housewarming dinner tonight. or maybe i'll just crawl back into bed. after a horrible day of having heartburn (which lasted 12 hours, i must add), i deserve some me-time.

i need to go shopping.

hello world.

2007-11-21T15:38:00.001+08:00

this is for pam.

frenchie boy that was tutoring an aussie boy. when i heard him speak french, i broke out in goosebumps. it was oh-so-sexy. sigh.

EXAM TOMORROW!

HOME ON FRIDAY!

PARTY ON SATURDAY!

2007-11-21T07:09:00.000+08:00

i just got hit on.

in cyberspace.

BY A GIRL!

for real.

i opened up my email inbox this morning and there was this email from multiply.

usually they only send updates which says 'what you've missed' but today, there was a 'hi there..'. so i thought i might be a friend who's messaging me.

*click*

'hi there...i think it's about time i started using multiply...bla bla bla...and i've been going through your site and you seem like a pretty interesting person...not to mention CUTE! you've captured my eye. hope you'll add me and we could become friends. or more...'

love,
XXX

omg.

2007-11-20T21:14:00.000+08:00

things are looking very not the up

1. surgery exam on thursday

2. housemate no.3 for next year's house can't move in

3. daddy severed his finger and needed 8 stitches

4. i'm getting fat

5. misunderstandings left right and center, especially in the home back in KL

6. i'm losing hair

help..

2007-11-17T16:09:00.000+08:00

it is...6 days until i fly home.

and i'm caught in a dilemma.

it is 6 days until i fly home. and the house has run out of toilet paper.

to buy, or not to buy.

maybe i'll just steal some from the hospital tomorrow.

...

we women, are complicated beings. we say things but don't mean them. we elect to do things, and end up changing our minds. we lead people on, without meaning to hurt them. and we generally affect people without knowing that we have.

why do we get hurt? i lay my heart out there on a silver platter, well, at least i did. and bit by excruciating bit, for all the world to see, it gets sliced up into little pieces. and in the end, that's all that's left of a whole heart. little pieces. and i can't give little pieces of my heart to someone. i want to give them a whole one. so what do i do, i try to piece them back together. as fast as i can. but no matter how fast i aspire to go, it still takes a long while. time is sometimes put to a different use. more important things crop up in place of fixing my heart and it is left neglected. so, ultimately, right now, pieces are all i can offer. they're not as small a piece as they once were, but i'm still not whole. fragmented pieces of my heart, laid out for the world to see. i try to hide it so the world can't laugh at the jagged edges. but it shows no matter how hard i try to cover up and put on a smile so bright, it hurts. they can always tell, they can always see. because they can see that what we're trying to hide, is what they themselves are hiding. and it's easier for them to laugh and to ridicule because it hides the pain and for that short while, they forget their own pain. we're all walking around with pieces of our broken heart, trying to mend. we're all walking around with smiles on our face so bright, it hurts. but instead of hiding and being alone, why don't we try helping each other mend and helping each other become whole again?

2007-11-12T16:33:00.000+08:00

there are currently 3 different sarahs who are in the same hospital and the same 'rotation' as i am. the first sarah, as we all know is OUR sarah, sarah sim. the second sarah, is ANOTHER sarah whose surname i don't remember. third sarah is sarah steele.

1st sarah.
sarah sim. chinese. small, petite bespectacled girl. has a tendency to squint and rub her eyes when tired. 3rd year medical student doing surgery rotation.

2nd sarah.
sarah whatshername. small, petite, nonspectacled girl. looks very hoity-toity. very fierce looking, likes to act like she knows it all and has a moustache. born and bred in australia but of asian heritage. 4th year medical student doing her elective with the anaesthetic team.

3rd sarah.
sarah steele. lovely lady. tall, broad shouldered, kind, very helpful and funny. she's got the loveliest smile and the best demeanor. born and bred in australia and is a true blue ozzie chick. 4th year medical student doing her elective in general surgery.

one would think it's easy to differentiate all three sarahs and ONE grace. but as of today, you can call me sarah number four. since my very lovely, very young and very intelligent locum surgeon has been calling me that for 3 surgeries straight. how hard is it to tell the difference? hello? i happen to be taller than the 2 other chinese sarahs. small eyes, same la. but then, i'm so much more bigger than them.

hmm...i hope she doesn't mess up my assessment

anyhoo...
THANK YOU LEON FOR FIXING MY COMMENTS AND ENABLING RSS. whatever that is.

2007-11-11T20:12:00.000+08:00

kepercayaan kepada Tuhan
kesetiaan kepada raja dan negara
keluhuran perlembagaan
kedaulatan undang-undang
kesopanan and kesusilaan

remember how we used to recite the rukun negara every assembly when we were in primary school? i used to be able to rattle it off by heart back then. it was quite literally engraved into our young, maleable minds.

was feeling unusually hyper and oddly patriotic this evening and was trying very hard to remember the 5 rukun negara which to many of us, we've never used or bothered to remember after leaving school. was raking my brain trying to remember the order and the words to it and finally got it.

was walking and singing Negaraku as well and my friends and i were jabbering away in BM trying to see if we could still manage to order our meals in BM and whether we would be able to converse and treat patients in the government hospitals once we were back home.

it was all fine and dandy til i came home to this.

no words can describe how i feel right now. how ironic is it that i was so proud to be a Malaysian earlier this evening and then to come back and see how much injustice and strife there is in reality. i have to admit, that i am blissfully ignorant when it comes to the politics of my home country and i'm not proud of it. i always thought that eventually, when the time comes, or should i say, when i'm older and maybe slightly wiser, only then would i take a slight interest in my country. but i think that time is now.

has the government become so corrupt in it's greed to reach levels of wealth and power that they've disregarded everything that is sacred and good and right in this world? what happened to justice, freedom and truth? is everyone so busy trying to make their voices heard that they don't listen to what others have to say as well?

i don't think i'm in the right position to say anything now. my mind's too confused. my heart's too broken. my spirit's too disappointed.

2007-11-09T11:21:00.000+08:00

so i hate that i get emotional when i watch moving music videos, or poignant advertisements, or even heartfelt written songs. garrggh...

received an offline msn message the other day from pauliethepilot saying,

'grace! i'll be in brisbane on wednesday, you wanna have dinner?'

of course i did and replied.

'of course! here's my number call me when you get here'

and so we met up.

it's good to see a familiar face from home when you're so far away. he took me up to the executive lounge of the Hilton hotel for some tidbits and wine and we sat chatting away about life and the journey we're taking on the road that we've chosen. it had a splendid view of the city's skyline and it was really impressive. for a moment there i was feeling very underdressed. i was casually decked out in a tshirt and a pair of jeans with a jacket thrown on. i stepped into the lounge and was like...

'woah...i think i'm not dressed for this place'

all the high flying, expensive suit wearing, ladies with chanel and LV bags were sitting there, sipping their wine and making small talk.

yikes...i knew i should have worn a dress.

anyway...we weren't there very long and adjourned to the restaurant that he picked out. Vino's. on eagle street pier. another fancy place.

felt even MORE out of place since we were the only asians there and everyone was dressed up to the nines. but the dinner was really nice. had oysters for starters and then salmon for the main course.

oysters. mmm...i love oysters. they were so fresh, i moaned each time i took one in my mouth. gosh..i love oysters. maybe i'll go buy oysters later. mmm...oysters.

and all night, we were just talking and getting to know each other better. it's so funny that i've known him for quite a while from church but never really KNEW him. it was always the normal hi and bye greetings followed by some small talk. and on msn, we've only ever spoken for 15 minutes maximum before either of us had to rush off somewhere. so, it was really nice to finally sit down and talk to him.

but i think i've come to a conclusion about myself.

i don't think i like fancy wining and dining. oh, don't get me wrong. with the right guy, i'd be smitten. but if i wanna go out with a friend for dinner, i think i'd go to a place where they'd FEED me instead of letting me TASTE their food. especially with the prices they were charging! let's just say, i was quite relieved when he said the meal was on him. but i DID offer to go dutch. left the restaurant hungry and after saying goodbye, went to a friend's place for ice cream.

can someone tell me why i've got absolutely no motivation to study? sigh...exams in 2 weeks and i'm so not ready.

2007-11-08T18:22:00.000+08:00

you know how you're in a bus and it's approaching the next stop. about 20 odd feet away. and suddenly in the corner of your eye you see someone running, trying desperately to reach the bus stop before the bus does in order to catch it. run, run, run. the bus stops and he's not there yet. the bus picks up the passengers and moves on. fail. the man didn't manage to catch up.

i've seen many of these incidences and in some perverse way, it's actually quite funny. i don't feel too bad because the bus i usually catch comes once every 15 minutes. so, the guy probably wouldn't have to wait too long to catch the next one.

today, karma decided to be a bitch and take a huge chunk outta my ass.

today, i was that person running.

it's 7.15am and i'm walking towards the bus stop. i'm early. i know that because i checked what time it would be arriving. 7.22am. i've got 7 minutes to spare. walk, walk, walk. and i hear a rumble behind me. and it was like slow motion. i turn, i see the bus, i scream in my head 'NO!' and i start running. the bus passes me. crap. traffic light. 'please turn red, please turn red, please turn red'. and it's green. double crap. run, run, run. please please please. i have to catch it.

now you see...i know what you're thinking. catch it again in 15 minutes la. no problem what. ah...but this is a different bus. this is the bus i have to take to get to my hospital in redcliffe. and it takes a hour on the bus to get there. and this particular bus, only comes once every hour. and i CANNOT afford to miss it.

run, run, run. and all the while i'm thinking,

'please wait, please wait, please wait'.

miraculously, it does!

but with every step, my mind conflicts itself.

'it's waiting! YES!'

'oh man, i'm sure it's gonna leave like, NOW! when i'm 10 feet away and running until i can feel my lungs screaming'

'don't be so pessimistic! it's still there!'

run, run, run.

crap, crap, CRAP! my shoe!

trust my luck to wear these shoes today. i run back the 5 steps to retrieve my shoe.

'quick, quick, quick!!'

YES!

'THANK YOU!!!'

'no worries'. and the bus driver smiles that all knowing smile when someone races after the bus.

2007-11-03T18:19:00.000+08:00

was walking down memory lane and watching old videos of life in IMU.

how i miss those days.

who knew soon han could shake like that.

i wonder if i can still do splits.

and i'm glad to see that the juniors are carrying on our IMCC tradition with flying colours.

2007-11-03T10:04:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday Adrian, the last of us to turn 23!

group shot with early Christmas candy canes. ask the number one girl why. her idea
the number one girl
hooi san and ying wei in party hats
cake

adrian the birthday boy/sportsdude
zhao kang the weirdo and me, rubbing my nose
throwing the frisbee
one, two, UP!
the ladies
the men
birthday boy and his number one girl
one, two, POINT!
someone took my bike. =(
hehehe...i've got dexter's bike
leon digging the watermelon
zhao kang getting in touch with his inner child
dexter knows how to chew 20 times before swallowing
ying wei being the cutie she is

here..have a sausage

2007-11-02T08:07:00.000+08:00

halloween was yesterday. but what was it really about?

googled history of halloween and a whole list came out. too lazy to read it all to condense it for your reading pleasure, so, go google it. it'd make quite an interesting read and quite an interesting conversation starter.

anyway...have been reading gossip blogs and celebrity websites these past few days and these sites are littered with pictures of celebrities dressed up in their halloween costumes and going for parties. and is it me, or does everyone tend to dress up extremely skanky during this holiday? halloween, it seems, is just another 'get out from jail card' for them to dress up in the worst possible costumes, read, slutty, and apparently be ok with it? there was not a single original or interesting costume that i could find. it was all either, slutty nurse, slutty french maid, slutty animals, slutty devil, slutty angel, slutty fairy tale characters and slutty, well, slut. they walk around in dressed up, fancy versions of their undergarments and parade it around for the whole world to see. and these are the people we idolize? great examples we're setting up for ourselves don't you think?

i'm extremely tired, but extremely stoked. i'm on this high and it's from assisting in 2 emergency laparotomies yesterday in the operating theatre. had just arrived at the hospital when i saw my doctor wheeling in a patient into the OT and was calling for other residents to come help her when she spotted me and asked me to assist her. oh yeah, talk about being in the right place at the right time. but of course, it backfired at me and i had to stay in at the hospital til about 8 in the evening last night. not to mention holding large bowels full of shit that everytime i think about it, i can't eat. and the smell, urghh....all of us were breathing through our mouths the whole night due to the foul smell that came out of the patient's abdomen. and who was the one who said a surgeon's life was glamourous?

thanks justin for sending me home and making your fiance wait after she had cooked you dinner.
breaking out in pimples due to the lack of rest and the high amount of stress. exams in 3 weeks! crap. here we go again.

on the other hand, i've got home to look forward to. and a surgery to undergo for my teeth. and a holiday in bali. and Christmas. and parties with friends. and weddings to attend. not to mention a wedding to plan. and family to see. and a car to drive. and a large queen sized bed. and food. mmm...food.

2007-11-01T06:07:00.000+08:00

a HUGE apology to everyone on my MSN list who i've 'sent' a virus to. i'm really, really, really sorry.

i've been up half the night trying to get rid of it from my computer. i've run spybot. i've run ad-aware. i've run avg. and STILL the stupid virus is still there when i turn on my MSN.

i've come to the conclusion that i need professional help. hence the date with the ONE tonight. hope he gets it fixed.

i'm so hooked on beyonce's songs at the moment. especially the dance ones 'get me bodied', 'freakum dress', 'suga mama' and 'upgrade you'. i play them every morning and do the shimmy shimmy in my room to wake me up. i wonder if my housemates wonder why i keep looping these songs.

poor computer. *sayangs*

sometimes i amaze myself with my stupidity. i need someone to keep knocking sense into my head.

mornings are the worst for me right now. i find that i'm relying more and more on my morning coffee to get me up. i have to get up at 5.30 every morning to get to hospital by 7 for ward rounds. stupid bus takes almost an hour and a half to get there. so imagine spending 3 hours everyday on the bus just going to and fro the hospital. next year, i tell you, i'm getting a car. fosho.

will be going home in a few short weeks. and my room is a mess! hahaha...i've done three loads of laundry in the past 2 weeks and the clean clothes are just sitting on my chair behind me. i'm just too darn lazy to put them away. maybe i should just start packing now. my cupboard won't hold my clothes anymore anyway. i hope i find a place with built in wardrobes next year.

got locked out of the house the other day. lovely. so, i had to climb in the window. phoof! that was a feat in itself i can tell you that. got some mighty brilliant bruises from doing so after hoisting myself on the window sill. makes me wonder how come people's houses don't get broken into as often as it does back in KL. i mean, it's really quite easy. no gates, no fences, no grills, just mosquito screens, which, seriously are really easy to break through. but then, i shouldn't tempt fate. later my house gets broken into.

choi! choi! choi!

*knocks on wood*

not like i believe in those things anyway.

2007-10-31T18:47:00.000+08:00

i open the door and expected to see your face around the corner. but not just yet. i laugh to myself, thinking you were playing a trick and went looking for you. i call out your name, but to no reply. my smile broadens. you know how i love it when you play games with me. i call again. and still silence echoed. i step into the bedroom, to see no shadows. no lights. my hand reaches for the switch only to stop. i hear a sound. my steps still and my head turns. i listen again and the sound doesn't disappoint.

i pad quietly with my stockinged feet, along the corridor leading to the backyard. again, the lights are off. the windows filter in the moonlight and i pause to gaze at the luminous orb hanging aloft as if by magic. the sound becomes louder. i shake myself from my reverie and continue on with the game you seem to be playing.

i call out yet again. and this time, i hear faint laughter. i remove my jacket and let it drop to the floor. i unbutton my top two buttons and untuck my shirt from my skirt's waistband. i reach the door leading out to the backyard and my hand rests on the doorknob. i knew something beautiful was about to happen.

i turn the doorknob and open the door. i don't see anything at first. the moon having disappeared behind some passing clouds. my eyes adjust to the dimness of the night and i look around. i look for you. and there you are.

you hold out your hand and i slowly walk to you. our fingers touch and finally our palms meet. your smile greets my eyes and i feel my own spreading across my face. i search your face, i search your eyes. it is there. there can be no doubt. it is there.

i slip into your arms and your warmth envelopes me. they say home is where the heart is, and for me, my heart is with you.

...

i wanted to write something to see what type of person i am. i didn't think out what to write. i just sort of let my fingers flow. there was a point where it could have either been really heartwrenching or it could be really romantic and lovey-dovey. and i guess my fingers/heart went with lovey-dovey.

i'm such a sap.

2007-10-22T19:21:00.000+08:00

i had the most absurd dream.

something about weddings going on one after another all in the same place.

i think it's because i saw 5 different wedding processions while taking a walk in the QUT gardens on saturday. i wish there were such things in KL. parks and gardens to walk in. takes my mind off very messy and stressful matters.

alsoin the dream, i kept going to the toilet and people kept barging in when i'm doing my business.

hello? knock much?

i think it was due to the running out of toilet tissue in my own toilet.

or something of the sort.

assignments.

i'm neck deep in them right now. all to save my ass for this surgery rotation. apparently doing assignments well will actually help you pass the final exam. so i'm all for it. i'm an assignment girl. i like assignments. if they weren't so tedious. rawr.

so the maid's gone in my house in KL. something about her father dying and her going back and then her husband making up stories about her being in a car accident and her not wanting to come back and all that drama. such a sad thing because i really liked her. she was like, the only indonesian maid that i really liked. i could talk to her. i could laugh with her. i could cry and she would comfort me as well. this doesn't usually happen with my older indon maids. but this girl was nice. sad that she didn't want to come back and felt that she had to lie to actually get away. oh well...looks like beds won't be magically made when i head back home. neither will my clothes be pressed to perfection.

so, i'm falling sick again. i think it's due to the weather. it's been hot and cold for the longest time now. it's blistering during the day and bone-chilling at night. hello? what happened to summer?

sisters at home are stressing as well. models to hand up. exams to sit for. will a student's life never end? especially in the fields that we have chosen. medicine. architecture. law. all constantly learning subjects.

was eating at this asian restaurant one of the days and the owner has become a good friend of mine. so we were talking and she was telling me about her son who was also a doctor here in brisbane. he had previously studied for 4 years to be a physiotherapist. after that, he studied another 4 years to become a doctor. and now, he's studying to be a paediatrician. and after that, he wants to subspecialise in congenital diseases. wow. thinking about it makes me tired. i mean, i know medicine is a life-long learning profession, but sir, don't you feel tired? i know most people would see it as bettering one's self and constantly upgrading the ol' brain. but is that the path people would willingly take? i'm sure after a certain point, burnout occurs. the mind just refuses to take in anymore input. i know it happens to me, and maybe it's because i'm lazy but i think it's also due to the lack of passion and genuine interest in what i'm doing. how do i rekindle that passion? will i constantly fight and struggle to just be interested in this field of life?

oh yeah. hello uncle wann. yes, i'm complaining again. i like to complain. it helps me release stress.

i've been living everyday with blinkers on. i'm just going through the motions. reliving each day like the last. there doesn't seem to be any meaning to what i'm doing. i don't see what i'm doing. i don't experience it. i don't enjoy it. why? where has my zest for life gone? day in and day out, it's the same old thing all over again.

had a talk with a friend the other day and i've come to realise that i know all the right things to say but never really apply it to my life. i know how to tell people the right things to do and how to lead and encourage them, but in my own life, i'm empty. i see no point in following my own advice. it just doesn't seem to work for me. bloody hypocrite i am.

FIGHT GRACE! FIGHT!

just because we can

2007-10-17T18:41:00.000+08:00

37 days.

thirty seven days.

THIRTY SEVEN DAYS.

that's how long more before i'm home. before i'm back in the land of all the best foods, the land of all the best friends, the land of beds that magically get made, the land of food being on the table without me making it, the land of my parents and family.

der yin just said she misses me on her blog.

i miss the way she says 'jie jie der wen'. with the wen being a little bit longer than usual. so it's like 'wennn'.

gosh.
37 days.

and in that 37 days i'll have to sit for the worst exam of the year. i need help. i'm so tired of studying, so tired of living this life, so tired of just living for passing exams and stressing over results and getting palpitations and anxiety attacks.

i'm whinging again. i need to stop whinging. someone tell me to stop whinging.

hope brisbane church had their annual church dinner on monday night. had a buffet style dinner. call me a glutton, but i ended up with heartburn again that night. and again last night. and again right now. i don't know what's going on. can't be i'm eating too much. all i had for dinner was soup, asparagus and bread. and lots of juice. and fruits.

Judah 6 lifegroup

christine.joyce.me.ying wei

daniel.zk.me.elena.ying wei.dexter.richard

i find it hard to understand sometimes how people can be so blaise and indifferent about life and about how things go about. they never seem to be frazzled by the everyday occurrences, good or bad that pass their way. i envy them. i tend to worry unnecessarily. and blow things way out of proportion all the time. i just can't seem to let sleeping dogs lie or just let things pass me by without kicking up a big fuss over why such things happen to me.

someone teach me to be less stressed out over small matters and to just enjoy my life.

i'm looking for the magic in my life. i think it's time i deserve some magic.

2007-10-14T06:22:00.000+08:00

because i love you

because we can

because you're silly

because we're the same

because you've come a long way

because of our similar loves

because you're so beautiful

because you're so impish

because you're so far away,
that's why i can only do this.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CELINE!

2007-10-13T17:52:00.001+08:00

it's a saturday night.

i'm at home.

on a saturday night.

something's wrong.

and i'm bored. and too lazy to think of things to type, so i'm just gonna make this a random picture post.

grocery store aisle

mint jelly shots

hanging on for dear life

sunshine

my fish. before they died.

i like chairs

homemade garlic bread

sunlight through liquer filled bottles

be my valentine?

dr. who?

belly dancer

my boots

*muaks*

pore pack filled with gunk

pretty chocolates

spring's here

pelicans in a row

pumping air into soo yi's car tires

bobble head shrek

till i get more inspiration...

2007-10-10T20:34:00.000+08:00

i've been having some pretty intense toothaches of late. which has been contributing to my suddenly very frequent bouts of headaches. it was just one of those days when my head was pounding when i suddenly realised that the side of my face was also quite a bit achy. i ran my tongue across my teeth and suddenly, a sharp, shooting, lightning bolt type of pain pierced through my head. i gingerly tried to locate the source of the pain after my eyes had stopped watering and realised, that one of my top wisdom teeth was swollen and very, very painful.

die.

two of my bottom wisdom teeth had already partially surfaced and none had really given me much problem. plus, during a chinese new year house consult, my dentist uncle said it looked like i had a lot of gum space for it to grow. so i was quite assured that nothing sinister was about to happen.

i decided to just let the pain subside on it's own and not care about it. but two nights ago, i had a really high fever. so high, that i woke up the next morning without any clothes on. apparently, i had shed my clothes in the middle of the night since i had felt so hot. confirm la..i told myself. i had to go see a dentist.

and i did.

with much hesitation, i must add, since i knew it was going to cost a HUGE sum of money. but, i was afraid that my tooth had become infected and was impacted. so, i went to the city today, to visit the dentist. who happened to be a friend as we had met in church and he had given me his card. thankfully, i managed to get an appointment today after one of his regulars cancelled.

it wasn't good news.

i told him my teeth had been aching and he suggested that i get an x-ray done. which was kinda cool in a spaceship, star-trek kinda way.

and when it came out. true enough, there they were. all 4 of my wisdom teeth. and it turns out, 2 of the bottom ones can't surface fully since it's half impacted by the facial bone. great.

he turns to me and says:

'well, you'll probably need to go under general anaesthetic for this'

yes! i had hoped he would say that since i didn't wanna be awake for all the drilling and grinding and pulling and tugging.

'and you need to get all 4 out. surgically. and you need to get an oral surgeon for it'

what.

say that again?

'it's pretty major surgery. you need to remove a piece of the bone to get the bottom two out. and the surrounding soft tissues around the top need to be cut away as well.'

oh.my.gosh.

'all in all, it would probably cost you around 2.5 grand'

OH.MY.GOSH!

i tentatively asked if i could get it done in KL if i promise to take good care that it doesn't get infected and thankfully, he said, yes. phew. i hope it's much cheaper back home.

so now, i have been prescribed antiseptic mouthwash, antibiotics and i have to use a kids' sized toothbrush since my normal adults' one doesn't reach that far behind and i'm so afraid that food might get caught behind there and get infected when bacteria start growing.

hence, the baby toothbrush.

cute isn't it? it has tigger on it, and behind it has little bees and beehives! i guess ONE good thing came out of this.

sigh.

2007-10-09T02:09:00.001+08:00

dinner at mickey's-sook yi.xue mei.me.jo lynn

with auntie miu and uncle mickey, the owner of the restaurant and clubsook yi.me.xue mei. all dressed up with places to go i have no idea what these shots were dancing the night away. i love the look on xue mei's face.

sook yi and xue mei.
leon.jason.kenny.xue mei. obligatory birthday girl with guys picture

i see my sister in both of them. i miss you, yin. =)

the boys of metro 21

saturday night:

dinner and drinks at the Gold Coast to celebrate mei's birthday.

sunday morning:

breakfast and lunch at the girls' place. had sandwiches, chips, tomyam noodles.

sunday evening:

dinner at leon's mother's place. for some reason, there seemed to only be MEAT on the table.

monday evening:

dinner at sunnybanks, a plate of hokkien fried hor fun, with a side dish of lobka, followed by wild cherry and chocolate mint gelato, a walk at kangaroo point to ease the bloatedness and then supper of french fries and a coke at McD's.

time now:

4.12am.

reason for being awake:

heartburn.

i am SO paying for my gluttony.

2007-10-03T14:34:00.000+08:00

i swear, i have met, THE MOST gorgeous looking orthopaedic surgeon ever.

and i now officially declare orthopaedics one of my favourite subjects. especially since all the doctors specialising in it are male. and they're good looking. and surprisingly, single.

hence, this said post.

this morning, i went for a clinic with some of these doctors. one older consultant and 2 registrars, who looked to be about late 20s to early 30s. and imagine my joy, when i noticed the two younger doctors BOTH were not wearing wedding bands.

*drops on knees and thanks God*

so i was attached to one Dr. BH *names shall not be disclosed for fear of jinxation* and he, i swear, is one of the most attractive looking men i've ever seen. i know that tastes varies in different people, so some might say he's only so-so. but to me, *sigh* eye candy. didn't pay attention to any of the patients that came in. instead, was surreptitiously stealing glances at Dr. BH. *sigh*

now look me in the eye and tell me he's not gorgeous. you notice in the top picture, left hand, ring finger, NAKED. and in the picture on the right, right hand, ring finger, ALSO NAKED.

*skips around room happily*

the small photos don't do him justice. CLICK on the photos to see the enlarged gorgeousness.

2007-10-02T08:35:00.001+08:00

I NEED TO STOP EATING!

the last week has been a complete binge-eating week! it was nonstop stuffing my face.

and today, for breakfast, you know what i had? butter on toast! well, not only that lah..had salami and cheese and lettuce and tomatoes also lah. but the bottom line is, there was butter! i don't even remember the last time i had BUTTER ON TOAST! i don't think i've had proper spreadable butter on toast since i got here!

i'm getting decadent! gosh...

someone! please! stop this madness!!

i tell you. food. this past week. food. omgosh. it was everywhere. sizzlers lah, dim sum lah, cybercity lah, sunnybank oriental lah. i tell you. i've resorted to wearing loose fitting clothes again. NOW! of ALL TIMEs! NOW! when the weather is BLISTERING! it's supposed to be time to shape up for bikini season grace. SHAPE UP!

gjrnavnaekraerjgoaegnaelkngmaelkgalkgalkfalsjkfalksjfalskmgalsk

frustration.

the boys that are responsible for my eating out so much this past week. grrr...
and the drink i'm sipping is called 'spider coke'. try and guess what it is.

it was AHMA'S 80th birthday on saturday evening. and my family threw her a huge birthday do. should have gone home for it. i WAS on break anyway. stupid caleb didn't get fired from his job and threw the whole idea in the can. sigh. i wish i had been there. it looked like it was such great fun. would have been a good excuse to go home.

sisters and girl cousins sang a song for her too. won't post that up since one of my sisters went off. hahaha...poor girl. the dress must have been a tad bit too tight for her.

surgery's started. and i'm quite enjoying i think. especially now where it's all orthopaedics. i think i just might be an orthopod at heart. i like learning about muscles, bones and joints. not to mention that it doesn't really need much brain power. and we all know how much i love to slacken my mind and just let it wander. be it in a good or bad way. *wink*

how does a girl turn down a guy nicely? like. say a nice guy asks her out. they're friends. and they've been out before for a polite-get-to-know-you dinner. but after the dinner, the girl is certain that nothing can go on and the guy should purely be kept at arm's length as a friend. but on the other hand, she really enjoyed his company and he's a really fun guy. night ends well. both parties are glad they went out. but both have different views on the outcome. the guy, from what i know, seems mighty interested and has actually asked the girl out again. for a romantic dinner with 'nice candles' etc. he tried to inject humourous flirtations at intervals when he's asking her out but he seems to be trying a bit too hard now since he's interested in the girl and is a bit more self-conscious.

what does the girl do? she's tried asking him to invite other people along, but has hit a snag. she realises that they're from two COMPLETELY different worlds and they have no mutual friends, only acquaintances, save 2 good friends, one of who, set them up in the first place.

what to do? what to do? how does a girl turn down a guy nicely?

my inner procrastinator is waking up.

in 2 months, i'll be back home. time's going to fly. and just when i'm starting to have fun. how ironic isn't it? and we all know what it means when it's time to go home. it's time to go shopping for souvenirs for my sisters! and there's only one thing they want, desire, accept, demand, covet. clothes. that also means, i get to go clothes shopping TOO!! hey...when in rome...

the full monty has OFFICIALLY become my favourite show. if you haven't seen it, then i recommend it. HIGHLY recommend it. had me laughing so hard, i was rolling on the floor, slapping the ground, clutching my tummy, with tears streaming down my face, mouth wide open in laughter. it was a potentially damaging period for my image, but it was well worth it. *grin* if you guys want to know. it's the story of 6 down and out men during the recession trying to find a way to make some money and gain some credibility. they each have their own story as to why they decided to do what they do. ie. to save their marriage, to prove to themselves that they're worth something, to try and save their time with their kids, etc. trust me, it's worth a watch.

did i mention that it's little girl xue mei's birthday today? she's FINALLY turning 18. will be going down to the Gold Coast this weekend to celebrate her birthday with her. not to mention initiate her into the world of womanhood. it's about time. der yin. think about it. this time next year or the year after next, you'll be here celebrating with her too! *dangling bait* i'm sure she'd love you being here with her.

listening to the soundtrack of 'GREASE' right now. unlike the full monty, it's MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE show. means it trumps the full monty. especially since it has songs in it which i love to sing along to.

'grease lightning, go grease lightning'

*points finger and moves it in an arc in front of the mirror*

'summer lovin' had me a blast, summer lovin' happened so fast'

*snaps fingers and swishes imaginary big skirts*

according to the late, great Nat King Cole,

love, is a many splendoured thing.
it's the april rose that only grows in the early spring.
love is nature's way of giving, a reason to be living,
the golden crown that make a man a king.
once, on a high and windy hill,
in the morning mist,
two lovers kissed and the world stood still.
then your fingers touched my silent heart
and taught it how to sing.
yes, true love's a many splendoured thing.

why don't i have that?
i want time to stand still when i kiss
i want to touch someone's silent heart and teach it to sing
i want to make my man a king.

but wait.

i don't have a man. gee...*bucket of cold water*

wow. this is the randomest post ever.

2007-09-26T07:30:00.000+08:00

there's a heavy feeling in my heart,
for reasons i cannot discern,
it feels as if something's missing,
for who's hold i cannot grasp.

i know it's right there,
i can see it waiting,
i just have to stretch just that little bit,
fingers brushing, but never grasping.

it eludes me, evades me,
reach, just reach,
i'm coming closer,
i'm almost there.

every step i take,
takes me no further than where i've been,
one step forward, means another one back,
never progressing, never reaching

why is it so hard?
question remains unanswered.
for when the birds fly,
no one can tell.

fields of gold and amber,
burning up inside,
colours splaying, then dying,
never to last forever.

can this be true?

2007-09-23T21:02:00.000+08:00

apparently i look very fierce and scary.

that's the opinion of people who have just met me and don't know me yet.

do i really look very fierce and scary?

why la?

is it my eyes?

i think it's my eyes.

curse you small and slitty eyes.

on another note...

i went to visit the two little girls in GC over the weekend. managed to get some shopping done as well. spent a night at their place. had pizza, booze and girly dvds. and of course, not to mention a steaming hot side dish of GOSSIP. no night would be complete without that. all the scandals and jaw-dropping, gasp-inducing, steamy, juicy pieces of gossip.

i need to start spicing up my life. maybe stick in a scandal or two. maybe three.

xue mei offered to pluck my eyebrows. hence positioning.
me, sook yi and xue mei
plus their new housemate, jo lynn.

yin yin....if you come to UQ, i'll drive u to visit them and stay over at their place every weekend or whenever you waaaaant. *dangling bait*

plus, they really want you to come over since your other friend grace is going to be coming as well. you guys could have a mini subang girls gang over here. benefits, benefits.

break is here. trying to figure out what to do. i feel lazy. maybe i'll just chill at home, rent some dvds, and just relax. before i have to start stressing out all over again. vicious cycle i tell you.

grandma's birthday is coming up this weekend. sigh..wish i were there. maybe i can persuade caleb to spring for tickets back home. i'm sure my arm twisting skills will come in handy. and maybe with a touch of blackmail. hmmm...

2007-09-16T12:40:00.000+08:00

i just had the most absurd dream ever.

i'm here in rocky by the way, got in this morning on the plane with ying wei. sat next to this bloke who's a physical education teacher in blackwater who flew in to brisbane 24 hours prior for a game of paintball and a night out at the pub with some mates. he sported some massively impressive bruises on his arm and a porn magazine. pretended to sleep when he started flipping through it. so shy.

anyway..back to the dream.

i was taking a nap but not really sleeping...just kinda drifting in and out of consciousness and all of a sudden, i get these feeling in my ears like when you're about to land while on a plane, like something's sucking at you and pushing up back against your seat. so i was like...woah...what was that? and then it happened again. only this time, it was so real and so strong that it pulled me out from under my sheets and pinned me to the wall. my roommate was in the room, and i was yelling for her but my voice was kind of muffled and she couldn't hear me. i was literrally pinned upside down on the wall and yelling and crying. i told myself..this has GOT to be a dream and i tried like in the comic books, to pinch myself and i did but i didn't wake up. by this time, i KNEW it was a dream and i was just telling my brain to open my eyes. but when i finally forced them open, i was still in the dream and panicking. it took all my willpower to finally REALLY open my eyes and when i did, my heart was pounding, i was panting and it seriously felt as though it was real.

weird. and now i've got this horrible neck ache. tried to get justin to fix it but the physiotherapy was worse than the pain. he said i just needed to shut up, relax and let him do his thing. but i couldn't. it hurt too much. so i was going...

'ow..ow..Ow! OOW!!! JUSTIN! THAT HURTS!'

'SHUT UP AND RELAX GRACE.'

justin's a physiotherapist studying to be a doctor by the way. so he worked his voodoo on me and it did get better. for like an hour. but now it's back and it's worse. now...do i subject myself to torture again, or just suck it up?

i'm already planning what to do next week during the break. i think i might just go to the Gold Coast. haven't been there in a while. might just pop over to see how things are with the two little girls there. thinking about heading over to byron bay to pay bryan a visit as well. probably drag soo yi along. he says it's really nice down there and i'm dying to see it. not to mention, it's about time to air out those bikinis that are rotting in the back of my wardrobe.

now..i just need to get back into shape. where are those abs? i can't find them in these folds of skin on my tummy. sigh...

2007-09-15T16:15:00.000+08:00

i have to be the world's laziest procrastinator ever. not to mention the most unrepentant.

with a whopping, whale-sized, wonderment of a headache.

it hurts when i move.

it's back to rockhampton tomorrow for debriefing week and exams.

exams.

there's that word again.

exams.

stop it.

exams.

i said enough.

EXAMS.

SHUT UP BRAIN!!

need to study...

only 10 more weeks before i'm back home in malaysia again. the feeling is indescribable. back home for 2 whole months. bliss. i foresee weight gain. but bliss.

grandma's birthday is in a couple of weeks. sad that caleb and i being her 2 oldest grandchildren won't be there. i think we might end up sending a video. which i know, without derlyn's expertise will kinda suck.

speaking of caleb, i'm now bumping into him in the oddest places. it's like we subconsciously know that we're not meeting up enough and just seem to collide fatefully intentionlessly.

friends are good. make sure you have friends. especially friends who spend drinks. and who play stupid games with you. and friends that make you end up with carpet burns. ouch.

i'm tired. my eyes hurt.

need to study...

i realise that my posts are getting very random and very..what's that word again? curt? straightforward? mind's not functioning to form long, mind-boggling sentences that make people go 'hmmm....'

lazy lah...

2007-09-12T10:34:00.000+08:00

you know what's the best thing about being back in brisbane?

the sun

and

the sun

and

being able to wear shorts

and

cleaningmyhouseinmybikiniandnotgetanyweirdstaresfrompeoplepassingby.

oh, it is good to be home.

on another note. i think i'll share with some people how nice blackall is. particularly because i met someone and had a bit of fun while i was there.

the soar above the clouds and head spinning kind of fun. he took me to heights i've never been to or have ever experienced first hand in my life.

yes.

met

pilot

whowasveryinterestingandniceandaccomplishedandhetookforaspininhisplaneonmylastday.

i think i'll stop there for now.

oh...

and my slippers broke. =(

while i was walking in the city and about to meet up with some friends. i could never understand why the aussies love walking around barefoot. it's disgustingly gross since i don't know what i'm stepping on or permitting myself to be exposed to numerous bacteria and germs that lay dormant on the tar and concrete. but i had to do that last night. for a good 800 meters. yuck.

did i mention it was good to be home?

it's good to be home.

2007-09-11T07:17:00.000+08:00

it is now that time.

i'm back and happy to be back, in the land of the internet, the land of the cars, the land of the city, the land of the big roads and in the land of fast food. thank GOD for fast food. so fattening, but oh-so-good.

it has been a long almost 2 months and i've missed this.

but i'm back and i'm grateful.

went to watch switchfoot play the night i got back. so gung-ho, was on an adrenaline high to do everything that i was deprived of when i was away. shopping la, eating la, watching tv la, going for concert la, city-combing la. felt goooooooooooood to air my legs. especially since now i can wear shorts and skirts and let my legs breathe. gosh, they're so pale. they need tanning.

exams are really around the corner now and it's crunchtime. study, study, study.

and no. don't expect me to write about what went on during my rural posting. i'm not allowed to. my blog has been found out. and i don't intend on letting it's existence and it's previous contents to marr my assessment.

but i will let you guys know this: i almost got molested by one of the patients and he tried to follow me back to my room. but that...is another story.

2007-07-31T21:12:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord,

I'm on my knees and i'm asking for Your strength right now.

help me get through the next 6 weeks while i'm in Blackall.

give me a spirit of acceptance and the right attitude to accept what i cannot change.

I'm scared Lord. I'm scared of being alone there and being unsure of what is to come.

i have no idea what to expect and i'm afraid that i won't be able to cope when i'm there alone and a curveball comes my way.

teach me Lord to turn to You in these times of need, help me Lord to trust that You are in control and that You have my best interests at heart.

hold my hand along this journey Lord. and if need be, please carry me Lord.

2007-07-31T12:53:00.000+08:00

UQ has agreed to pay up to 250AUD for my transport to blackall.

there are only 2 ways to get there.

1. i catch a flight from rockhampton to brisbane, then from brisbane, i take a bus to blackall
amount: flight+train+bus (75+10+109) = 194
time needed: about 20 hours altogether.

2. i catch a bus from rockhampton to barcaldine, switch buses and take another bus from barcaldine to blackall.
amount: didn't bother to check since i found out that once i reach barcaldine, i'd be just in time to miss the bus by 10 minutes.

i don't know what to do anymore. it's just starting to get very overwhelming.

sigh...

looks like it's gonna be the 20 hour journey..

EDIT

sitting next to me right now in the student center in rockhampton is a very lovely chap who's tall, cute and really fun. not to mention helpful. why? because he just found me a way to get to blackall for only 60 dollars. mind you, it'll still take me almost 20 hours to get there, but hey, it's so much cheaper. i'd be taking a train from here, rockhampton, to this small town called barcaldine, which takes about 11 hours. there, i'd have to stopover for about 6 hours where i'll board a bus that will take an hour or so to get me to MY little small town of blackall.

so there...i think i owe him a nice dinner or something...but he doesn't want it. so sweet.

2007-07-28T00:05:00.000+08:00

in less than 10 hours, i'll be heading back to the land down under. i must be honest in saying that i'm not looking forward to it at all. it seems harder this time round. when i left here earlier this year, i was full of anticipation and expectations over how life is gonna be when i'm there. and needless to say, i've been sorely disappointed. but that's all part of life isn't it? disappointment and sorrow.

the past 2 weeks have been a time of relaxation, a time of reflection, a time of decision and a time of bonding (that's code for bickering, arguing and getting irritated with each other. just like old times).

my family means the world to me.

my mother constantly fussed over me the first few days since i was still slightly sick. she went and bought chinese medicine since apparently the western one didn't work. as much as it sucked, i know she did it because she loved me enough to force-feed it to me. literally looking over my shoulder everytime i had to take it. and if i didn't, she'd take the spoon in hand and feed it to me herself. she went and bought all sorts of chinese medication for me to bring back because she KNOWS that i won't do it myself. she would remind me everyday to be strong and to be mentally prepared for life there. in other words, not to be a wuss. of course there were times when i wanted to strangle her. like the time when she would call me from school just to ask me what i'm doing. there was one day she called me 11 times. in the span of 3 hours. that has GOT to be some sort of record. and as much as it annoyed me at that time, i know i'm going to miss it when i'm all the way across the sea.

my daddy has been a brick. not being a stick in the mud at all. it was so funny how i managed to surprise him when i came home. his eyes damn near popped out of his head. they never looked so big in my life. then came the scolding for not telling him to come pick me up and not informing that i was coming home early. and he'd gone back to protective daddy mode when i would be out late at night and he would call and ask where i was and how come i wasn't home yet. UNTIL he realised that i'm now quite grown up and that he had called me at 10pm. he even forgot my birthday. i guess he was wondering why all of sudden i cooked dinner and was happily tucking into the food when my sisters asked me what i was going to do and he was like...do for what? all eyes turned to him in incredulity over his forgetfulness. but i don't blame him. he's already got so much on his mind trying to make ends meet for his family. so i don't care if he forgets my birthday. just because he loves me so much to want to give me the best that i can have.

esther has been a darling. what with spending time in the car aimlessly driving to KL in the middle of the night just because we felt like it, to having heavy, heavy breakfasts and making lame jokes that make us laugh til no sound comes out. she wrote a post on her blog today which made me cry. lyn if you're reading this, it's with a heavy heart that i'm leaving as well. but i guess it can't be helped. i won't hug you 'cause i know we'll both start bawling like banshees and have puffy, slit eyes tomorrow.

sara as usual has been the diva. but it wouldn't be her if she wasn't. taking her to driving tests and picking her up has been interesting. especially since she failed twice but managed to pass the third time round. third time's a charm as we all know. seeing her starting to dress more grown up like and wearing more makeup than i am and talking like she thinks she knows what's going on has made me feel like i'm missing a huge chunk of her life. she's not the little girl anymore that we use to complain about getting her way after throwing tantrums. in her place, there's this young lady that STILL throws tantrums, but in a different way. i'm not sure WHAT way...but she still manages to do it.

gosh...this sounds like a eulogy. I'M NOT DYING!! but why does it feel like a part of me is?

i'm just cruisin' with my sisters,
we're gonna have some supper,
we're on our way to maccas,
and we're gonna call ah-peng-er,
i'm just cruisin' with my sisters...

2007-07-19T12:58:00.000+08:00

as you know...we will always be spastics whatever our age.

choon the gorgeous and me.

yvonne...you know you will always be my first true love...

there...you see...

these are the queens of spaznesssss...

all the ladies....

went out with the girls last night to have a small birthday gathering.

it's so good to see them all again. it seemed only yesterday we were all in school and studying for our SPM exams. now, most of them have careers that are taking off and lives of their own to carry on. makes me feel nostalgic. but even though we've all moved on and built lives our own, i know that somewhere, somehow, we will always be the same girls that used to go to school together. our insecurities may be overshadowed by the facade of confidence we have to put up in our everyday lives now, but we all know who we are and we'll always be there for each other. life throws us curveballs everywhere we turn. but with these ladies, those curveballs can always be dodged. because we've got each other's back.

CLICK for more pictures.

2007-07-17T01:00:00.000+08:00

screaming over who gets to sit in the front seat.

arguing over who has to ask for more tissue paper.

whacking each other after saying stupid things.

eating supper in McD's and making fun of ah-peng.

trying to throw rolled up wads of tissue down the V-neck of my blouse.

turning heads everytime we walk together since we talk so loudly and look so alike.

singing along with the radio at the top of our voices.

cruising along to KL city in the middle of the night just because we feel like it.

driving home with my sisters asleep in the car.

it feels good to be home.

2007-07-13T18:07:00.001+08:00

i have no idea how sarah managed to log onto my blog. but oh well...welcome sarah! hahaha...

i so want to bathe right now, but due to the darndest reason, everytime i step out of my room all ready with my towel, there's someone in the toilet. i guess this is what happens when there's only ONE bathroom in the whole house. ready? set? GO!

i'm feeling itchy. and restless.

managed to defer my exam since i've been so sick. hallelujah. seriously. cannot have gone this way without God's hand in it.

been riding on the bus a lot lately. more than usual. can't imagine why. i find them strangely therapeutic. the ride to the hospital allows me to stone and just free my mind of everything that boggles it.

but.

riding the bus is like getting chosen for sports.

you know how there will always be like 2 or 3 main people in the group that stand out and always seem to get called up to be heads of teams and have to choose teammates from the rest of the group? well, it's like that.

if there's an empty seat next to me, i'll always wait in slight anticipation to see who will end up sitting next to me.

it's like, group leader 1 is hot, group leader 2 is not and group leader 3 is semi ok.

so...fat man enters bus

'don't sit next to me. don't sit next to me. don't sit next to me'

phew...

cute, youngish guy gets on.

'sit. sit. sit. come onnnnnnn'

darn it.

and this goes on until almost all seats are full.

then panic sets in.

oh no. i don't want someone smelly or weird.

enters bag lady.

uh oh.

just my luck.

'hello. you're a very pretty girl'
'urm..thank you.'
'you don't happen to have change for 2 dollars would you?'
'i do. do you need change?'
'oh no. i just thought i'd ask. you see..my dog's got to come on board at the next stop so i might need it then'

Okaaaaaaaaaaaay...

2007-07-13T16:22:00.000+08:00

THIS IS THE CRAZIEST THING.. HOW COME IM LOGGED IN TO YOUR BLOGGER ACCOUNT????????muahahahaha

Sarah

2007-07-08T20:43:00.000+08:00

happy 89 years kong kong!

2007-07-07T11:04:00.001+08:00

water restriction suddenly seems very real. we've been warned that we've been using a tad bit too much of Brisbane's currently depleting natural resource, so they've sent us stickers like these for us to stick around our house to remind us not to be too generous with our use.

quite cute aren't they?

we've stuck them up next to any water outlet in our house. in some places, more than once. like in the shower.

i cannot help but crack a smile whenever i'm shampooing my hair and my eyes just suddenly catch hold of the sticker on the wall. but i've been naughty. i don't really turn off the water when i'm shampooing. it just gets too cold! i step into the shower, all shivering and goosebumpy and i cannot begin to tell you how gloriously delicious it is to turn on the hot water tap and let the steam just rise up and encase me in a cloud of moist heat. it's horribly addictive. i can just stand there and totally forget what i got into the shower for. so...forgive me for not turning off the water while i'm shampooing. i'd like to feel warm for about 15 minutes everyday, thank you very much.

my voice is playing hide and seek with me pretty much everyday now. one minute, i'll have this husky, sexy voice that is audible and vocal and the next, i'm squeaky and whiny and completely inaudible. i have no idea how long this is going to last for. hopefully not long since exams are up in about 10 days. i'm so not prepared what with being sick for almost 3 weeks, i can hardly stand up during ward rounds without swaying and fearing i'm might pass out. and not to mention all the times i've been sent home from the hospital because i was too sick to do anything else. sigh...this is not going to go well for me. i can tell.

my cousin just called me and was asking to speak to me.

'hello? can i speak to grace, please?'
'eh..it's me la.'
'hello? is grace there? did i dial the wrong number?'
'oi. it's me la. don't try to be funny'
'hahahah...are you sure you're grace? when did u get a sex change?'

very funny.

trying to make bak kut teh soup now. hope it turns out alright.

edit

bak kut teh soup turned out really nice.

they should never have disbanded.

2007-07-05T11:27:00.000+08:00

consultant 1: i had a case presented to me yesterday. it was a fall from grace.

consultant 2: *rolling eyes* and was she amazing?

consultant 1: oh yes. she was perfect.

consultant 2: *blink blink*

consultant 1: OH! amazing grace! yes, now i get it.

har de har har...

make fun of my name why don't you. and THEN chase me home from hospital. great.

2007-07-04T08:10:00.000+08:00

this is how i feel right now. woke up this morning with a splitting headache all around my head. thought i'd stay home and get some cleaning and studying done. but i conveniently forgot that what has been getting me up and about these days have been painkillers by the elephant shotgun load. i don't think my liver's going to put up with it any longer. trying to abstain from taking them today. but i find myself looking more and more longingly at that bottle of panadol next to my bed. it has gotten so bad, that the pain has spread to my jaw, affecting my teeth. not only is there pounding in my head, there's also throbbing in my mouth, tenderness over my sinuses and pins and needles shooting into my eyes. looking directly into light makes me cringe and coughing makes me feel like someone's punching my head with a bag full of rocks. i've only got one eye open as i'm typing this, and opened very minimally i might add, which, isn't very much, considering that i've got very small eyes.

enough. i've had it. this has got to stop.

2007-06-30T06:08:00.000+08:00

please ignore last night's post. after reading it through, i realise i'm sounding very selfish and immature.

i apologize.

there was something in the hospital the other day that really touched my heart. i have this patient who's suffering from dementia and had a stroke for the past 3 years. so she's paralysed and can't really move much. and there's only one person that looks after her. her husband.

let's call them Mr. and Mrs. F shall we?

my doctors and Mr. F were discussing Mrs. F's condition one day while she was sleeping and it was heartwrenching to see the pain and sorrow in Mr. F's face after he realised that she's never getting better and that it was only a matter of time before she would go. it was a difficult moment. Mr. F, i could tell, was torn between feeling sad and feeling relieved. i know i would, if i knew someone i loved was suffering and was about to go, i'd be sad but a tad bit relieved. sad, to know that in a short while, emptiness will all be what's left in my heart and relieved to know that pain and suffering no longer dominate what's left of that person.

while talking, Mrs. F wakes up. it was obvious, the confusion and slight terror in her eyes as she couldn't register where she was and why there were so many other people around her. she started to shake, but before she could utter a sound, Mr. F turned to her and says,

'there's my sweetheart! how's she feeling this morning? i've missed you.'

and then the terror was gone. all i could see and feel now was the love that these two people have for each other. no matter where they were or what was going on around them, it was all that mattered. she calmed down, but i could see that it wasn't going to be that simple for Mr. F to calm down. tears started rolling down his eyes as he came to realise that very soon, this would all be over. and with nothing to show for it.

i couldn't take it anymore. i pretended to cough and ran away. only to realise that i was crying too. it was all so unfair and uncalled for. yet, it was so beautiful at the same time. how does one find a love that strong, that they would stick with it, even through such illness? imagine the suffering Mr. F would have to go through. feeding her, bathing her, changing her, talking to her, putting her to sleep. she's back to being a helpless toddler, who's life revolves around who's going to feed and clean her. he doesn't have the stamina or the energy to do that, i'm quite sure, yet, he stuck through it.

another case i saw, was of this old asian lady, who had a stroke but got better, had kidney failure, but is undergoing dialysis and now, she's got pneumonia. there was one day, she was looking particularly sickly and my doctors were quite certain that she wouldn't last the night. sadly, she couldn't understand english and had to rely on her grandchildren to translate for her. when we told her grand daughter, that it wasn't going to be a good outcome, her grand daughter just stared at us. her aunt was by her elbow, pulling at her sleeve, asking what the white doctors were saying, tugging and tugging, asking and asking. but the grand daughter couldn't bear to say the words. i know why. if she repeated those words, then it would be real. she couldn't bring herself to translate. before she could pull herself together, she started to cry. and it just gripped my heart. i looked at the poor old woman and i thought to myself,

'why am i here?
is it just to tell people that their loved ones are dying?
that there's nothing we can do?
what if she were MY grandmother and they were telling me these things?'

i don't know if i'm strong enough for this.

but i know, whatever i'm going through now, doesn't begin to compare to what these people have to endure.

Lord, give me strength, give me courage, give me the will to go on.

2007-06-29T18:10:00.001+08:00

i'm just not getting better. i really don't know why.

my phlegm initially was jade green.

after 2 days, it turned clear.

and then yesterday, it turned cream green.

i just don't get it.

i'm popping panadols and clarinases like anything and nothing seems to work.

and now, my sinuses hurt. and it's giving me a headache.

how to study like this?

read, read, cough, cough.

read, read, blow nose, blow nose,

read, read, choke, cough, choke, cough.

it's utterly irritating.

i've been coughing so much, whenever i swallow, i can feel the small tears and varices in my throat. and it hurts.

and i feel really bad because i think i might be distracting the girls when they're trying to study also.

sigh.

i hate this. my emotions are all over the page. i can feel happy one minute and really down the next. it's just playing havoc with my head. how does one keep their wits around them when they can't even control their own emotions? i can't seem to keep a level head anymore. damn stupid.

and now, i'm bitching and whinging again.

remember what i said about liking the cold? i take that back. i hate it. no matter how many layers i pile on, my hands and feet still remain cold. hot water bottles only last so long, and the heater can't be turned on that long since it sucks up the electricity like mad.

i shall try and perk up now. maybe i'm feeling down since i'm sick and it's that time of the month when i'm particularly moody.

i miss my family.

2007-06-27T18:36:00.001+08:00

you know what i like to do?

this....

check out the amount of gunk that came off my nose. and that's not taking into account the rest of the gunk that i pressed out after that.

i like pinching out blackheads and whiteheads. i know i'm not supposed to. but i do it anyway. makes my face feel clean.

still sick. the sore throat came back. but the cough is less phlegmy. and i got to go to hospital today. hoorah...

trying to eat healthily, so i'm cutting back on the fatty and carbo-laden stuff. so...no more rice for me. save one or two meals a week.

looks like a lot of green right. hahaha...right. on the left, is grilled salmon with steamed vegetables. and on the right is grilled chicken salad.

so ang-moh-fied. sometimes i miss the char koay teow and the greasy roti canai and the asam laksa and the yong tau foo and the bak kut teh and the loh mai kai. sigh...i wanna go home.

i had a dream last night that one of my teeth fell out. it was super scary ok!! it was like i had these HUGE teeth and one of my canine teeth started moving. i dunno why. it just did. it was like moving away from the normal space and leaning behind. and when i touched it, it was movable! so i could adjust it back into place and move it around and such. and then suddenly when i was adjusting it, it came out in my hand!! it looked huge! seirously. like a 50cent coin. i was panicking and panicking and thinking, oh no!! now i got a hole in my mouth! what am i to do?? do i have to wear a fake tooth now?! eeyier....so ugly already!

yoh...i sound so bimbo in the dream. thank goodness i woke up and realised it was a dream. i shall now begin to wear my retainers religiously again. damn scared, damn scared.

oh...and i have officially become, a roller auntie. yes, you heard it right. a roller auntie. what is a roller auntie you must be wondering. well, i will tell you what a roller auntie is. but first, rollers...

now, i've got straightened hair right? which, out of the dumbest whims of my life, i went to do last december. i hate straight hair. like, seriously. i hate it. it's limp, it's lifeless, it's boring and it's really not nice to play with. the only upside about it is that it never gets messy. but i like messy, especially the 'i-just-got-out-of-bed' kind of messy. that makes it look kind of sexy. but straight hair does absolutely nothing of the sort. so, i decided to try and maybe put some body back into it. maybe it'll look like my normal hair again. the one where i can look messy in. like, sexy-messy. so, i went and bought hair rollers. i thought to myself, why not give it a shot? nothing to lose right?

right.

so rollers in my hair, and blow, blow, blow.

now, you know what i mean when say i've become a roller auntie.

and this was the outcome.

not too bad lerh...might continue being a roller auntie until my hair grows out and my natural hair takes over.

2007-06-26T12:48:00.001+08:00

it happened again.

i TRIED not to open my mouth.

i TRIED to just smile and take notes.

i TRIED to keep a low profile and run away whenever i needed to cough or blow my nose.

but...

they caught me.

and sent me home from hospital again.

2007-06-25T06:05:00.000+08:00

*bip bip bip beeeeeeeeeeep*

*bip bip bip beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

**click**

7.30am...

time to get out of bed.

but i don't want to.

i'm sick afterall.

doesn't matter.

go anyway...you have to.

i blearily stumble to the toilet, did what i had to do, and shuffled back into my room.

what to wear? what to wear? ah, heck it, i'm gonna wear jeans today.

belt, belt...where's my belt? i can't find my belt. ah, screw it, i'll just keep hiking them up today.

7.53am...

shit...hurry, the bus is coming.

hurry, hurry, hurry..

shoes, shoes...which one to wear? black shoes? yeah..i suppose so.

quick, quick...bus bus...

run, run...phew..made it. 3 more minutes.

wait, wait...

good morning, how are you? i'm well, thank you. you did? oh, that's good. waiting for the bus? so am i. headed to the city? that's nice. have a nice day.

bus, ah bus...where are you ah bus...

ah...bus. wait. it's not my bus. it's ok...

20 minutes go by.

BUS, AH BUS!! WHERE ARE YOU AH??

AH BUS!!! yes! NOOO!!! it's not my bus again!!

43 minutes go by. this is ridiculous. oh yes, ma'am, i'm sure the bus will be here any minute. you're going to get a cab? i think that's a good idea.

*can i get a lift please???*

look at my watch...it's already 8.46am. damn it. i'm late. so gonna get screwed. shit, shit, shit.

bus? is that you bus? YES! that's my bus!

quick, quick...

drive, stop, drive, stop, pick up more passengers, drive, drive, jam, jam...

no, no, no, no....cannot be happening.

*ting*

finally.

excuse me, excuse me, thank you, thank you.

run, run *pant pant*

hurry, hurry, i'm late, i'm late.

i'm here!

congratulations. you've just missed the meeting.

shit.

i'm sorry dr, i had to wait almost an hour for the bus. it was really late this morning.

that's alright. wait...why are you speaking like that? are you sick??

urm...yeah?

then, GO HOME! what are you doing here?

but, but! i just got here!

well, i'm sorry, but go home! rest.

seriously???

yes! i don't want our patients to catch what you have...

whaT? i probably got it from one of them!

yes, but not all of them have it. go home, grace. it's ok. if you're too sick and can't call to say you're not coming, then don't come.

really?? ok then. bye.

should have stayed in bed.

it's amazing how i can get so caught up in the right now and how my world just suddenly shrinks to the size of a pinhead. i focus so much on how NOW is supposed to be and how NOW is stressing me out and how NOW doesn't seem to ever pass that i forget that there's a whole big world out there. that the bigger picture is where i'm headed to. i forget that God has a bigger purpose for my life than RIGHT NOW.

God is teaching me,

He's molding me,

He's healing me,

not the superficial wounds that reopen and bleed again,

but from the inside,

to change, to become a better person,

not only for myself, but also for the people around me.

as for the right now? i'm just gonna ride it out. with God next to me.

2007-06-19T19:58:00.000+08:00

in a couple of hours, it will be my daddy's birthday. the most hardworking, tolerant, patient, silly-willy, lame-o daddy there is on earth.

his hard work, his sweat, his blood and his tears all were shed and are still being shed for his three daughters. ensuring that they get the education they want, get the clothes they want, get the lifestyle they want.

sometimes life doesn't seem fair to such a good man. a man who has worked so hard for the better part of his life. but it never breaks this man's spirit. he continues to persevere. he continues to plough through the tough times and in the end, comes out victorious. even if only for a short time.

i used to hear stories from my mother about how my daddy would drive me around in the car if i couldn't be put to sleep. he would go round and round until i would finally doze off and then he would put me to bed.

i remember also how he would push me around in a pram all over the city of Kuala Lumpur when i was a little girl every weekend to take me shopping. i guess that's why i shop so much now...heh.

i remember all the little sesame street toy figurines he bought for me while working in Singapore because he knew i loved them. and also the sesame street wall picture he painted which hung in my room for the longest time, until we shifted house.

i remember there was one time my daddy got really sick with dengue fever and stayed at home for a few days. i had never seen him so sick and so weak. as a little girl, i was so worried that i would lose him, i would pray every night for him to get better.

i remember the many times when i had very violent bicycle crashes, he would be the one that would clean my wounds. the first aid box he bought in the UK while studying emptied for my battle wounds.

i remember standing before him whenever my report book came out and if i didn't do well, he would take out the cane and give me strokes on my hand. i knew it was for my own good and i know that it must have hurt him more than it hurt me to discipline me in that way.

i remember disappointing him many, many times and making a mess out of my life in many ways. but i also remember how he would forgive me and give me second chances, always advising and guiding me in any way he can.

i remember the saturday mornings where he would knock on my door and wake us up to go for breakfast. often having to wait for sometime before all of us were ready. the same way he would wait patiently whenever we would take forever to dress up if we had somewhere to go.

i remember coming home late at nights when the whole house was asleep and he would suddenly appear from his room as i walk up the stairs. bleary eyed and sleepy faced, he would ask why i was home so late and that i should have called.

i remember the little books and devotional material he would give me to ensure that my faith and that walk with God would be secure. and his little mini sermons he would share whenever we had family prayer sessions.

daddy...here's to you. have a wonderful birthday. i love you.

2007-06-19T17:01:00.000+08:00

i made strawberry muffins today since it's the strawberry season now. planning to give some to my registrar and my consultant tomorrow. a little bit of apple polishing to ensure i get a good evaluation never hurt anyone *snicker*. i should do this more often. i miss baking. and i think i might be a bit too dependant on the modern baking facilities like the cake mixer, the accurate measuring cups, the MAID that washes up after i make a HUGE mess. so today, i had to minimise the mess and minimise the utensil usage. hahaha...

so i'm hoping they'll be BLOWN away with the muffins and be super nice to me. not that they haven't been. but there's no harm in coating my bum with some padding is there?

*grin*

i have a feeling i'm gonna get some very curt criticism from some people for doing this. hmmm...

had itchy fingers and clicked on everyone's link on my sidebar. most of them weren't updated but then some were. and so happened, i was reading keshialicious' blog and jolly good, she tagged the reader. bleh..so..i'm gonna waste more of my precious time, doing the tag.

Condoms: don't have that, but i have this plasticky, rubbery thing i took from the ward..does that count?

Cell phone: who wouldn't have one in this day an age? yes, i have a cell phone, a nokia 6288 that every IMU student here in queensland has.

Chair/stool: yes, quite a comfortable office chair i bought from KMart and cost me 39AUD

Book shelf: eh...not sure if it's called a bookshelf...buuuuut, i have books in it.

Dresser: urm...wat's a dresser? is it a tallboy where i fold my clothes and put it in? or a dressing table? anyhoo..i have neither.

Computer: i have a laptop...

Bean bag: don't have...but i want to get one! i have a one seat plush chair sitting in the corner..

Pictures: yes, i do. pictures of my family..

Mirror: multiple mirrors all across my room. no, i'm not a narcissist

Skateboard: urh...no...very bad sense of balance on one.

Bed: yes...a very small bed on the floor in a corner of my room..

Clothes: it's on every surface of my room. quite literally...

Surfboard: nioppppe............

Smoke detector: there's one outside my room...

Piano/keyboard/guitar/bass/drums: don't have! which i'm very sad about! i must remember to bring my guitar next year...

Locking door: my door cannot lock..got keyhole, but no key..

Bottle of water: urm...do 2 bottles of wine count?

2A blacklight: what's that? i have a pentorch though...

Medals/ribbons: not here with me, they're in my room back home..

Awards: nadah...

Sport accessories: socks and running shoes? ooohh oooh! tights...

CDs: only ONE. the ladies of jazz..

Flag: if it's big and has flowers and is thick enough to be used as a blanket, then...no

Stop sign/any sign: urh...there's a white board in my room? with lots of words on it?
Caution tape: no lah...where got...

Paintball: never tried

Real Gun: paintball gun never hold before, what makes u think i've held a real gun?

Cigarettes: with the number of patients i see dying of lung disease? no thank you...

Candle: fire alarm sets off too easily...cannot afford to burn, and then pay the fireman..

Books: oh yeah...got as many books as i do clothes...

Nintendo: nope

Play Station: nope

Xbox: nope

Stereo: my laptops's my stereo

Television: there's a HUGE sony trinitron outside my room...other than that, my laptop's my tv

Lighter: nope

Gum: everyday...keeps the mouth fresh and clean...good for talking to patients...

How many windows do you have in ur room?: 3

What is the color of your walls?: boringly white..

Hardwood floor, tile, or carpet? : hardwood

What color is your bed?: the bed or the bedsheet? the bed's grey and the bedsheet's off white...

What are on yr walls?: nothing..not allowed to stick anything on it

Has the opposite sex been in your room before? : not for the right reasons...

and i tag everyone on my sidebar links..

2007-06-16T22:22:00.000+08:00

i just got back from a wedding dinner.

sigh..

'don't find a person you think you can live with for the rest of your life, find a person you cannot live without'

it was so nice.

took a lot of pictures. but all the ones with me in it turned out really ugly. dunno why. i guess it's not my day for looking good. which was quite a shame since i dressed up all nice nice and wanted to look good. i blame it on bad lighting and a bad face day. hmph...will post them all up on multiply soon.

so this was the dress i wore for the wedding dinner. tossed the morning dress into the wash so didn't get to take a pic of me in it. i'm still sitting here, in front of the computer. too lazy to change into my pyjamas. the groom said some very poignant things about his love for his bride. about how love isn't just a feeling, but it's also adjustment, commitment, tolerance and patience.

'love is when a person wakes up at 4 in the morning to make breakfast to prevent me from forgetting to eat the whole day when i'm busy'

'love is patiently waiting 2 hours for a facial and missing the finals of a footie game'

'love is when a person goes all out of the way to buy the other's favourite cake, only to find that it's not being made during this time'

what is love to you?

well, to me, love is not giving up when things get tough, when things aren't all a bed of roses, when it's giving more than taking.

giving up one's self for when it calls,
no excuses, no delays.
even when things don't seem to be in your favour,
compromise, let it pass, grow with it.

i once sang a song that said,

'i don't want just a memory, give me forever,
and don't even think about, saying goodbye,
cause i, just want one love, to be enough,
and remain in my heart till i die'

how naive i was. to think that it would all be ok just because there was love. just ONE love, would be enough.

stupid.

i don't think i'll ever see love the same way again.

EDIT

found a picture of the morning dress. not full length though.

myra and chui ee came for the wedding too. was really good seeing them again. tells me i'm not alone.

so tired...just got back from hospital. and i've got to wake up at 6 tomorrow morning. if this keeps up, i'll have eyebags down to my chin. then it'll be:

"STEP RIGHT UP FOLKS AND SEE THE WOMAN WITH THE CHIN-LONG EYEBAGS! A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNItY!

hey you boy! yes, you! don't you want to see this spectacular freak of nature? come on in! be astounded and amazed!"

i'm being an idiot...

this happens when i'm tired.

2007-06-15T07:16:00.001+08:00

lack of posts during the week has been due to the fact that i've been worrying myself shitless about my results. quite literally shitless since i've had diarrhoea for a few days.

about 2 days ago, ying wei called me from hospital when i had gone home and said.

'mental health results are out you know? you have to call jane turner. linda just emailed her. daniel and raj both got their results already'

my heart just quite suddenly stopped beating in my chest for a good 45 seconds. it just stopped. i started shaking and broke out in a cool sweat even though the temperature was 14 degrees.

it was already about 5 in the evening and i thought the office hours were over. so i was contemplating whether to email at that moment or just wait til the next day. i decided to get it over with and proceeded to email jane turner. only, i didn't have her email address. so i emailed the mental health coordinator instead. and of course, i didn't get a reply after checking about an hour later. that's when linda called and said she had received her results and told me to email jane turner personally. i got the email address off her and sent off the email.

i was feeling rather peckish that night. i made steak with onions, roast potatoes and boiled carrots. was happily munching on my carrots when linda said, she received a second email concerning the second part of her results and said my results probably would be out too.

again, my heart stopped. i think it sank. and as it sank, it must have dropped into my stomach 'cause i swear, my food starting spilling out into my throat and threatened to gag me.

i got on my computer, logged onto my UQ email and really, there it was. just sitting in my inbox. with no clue on the email title as to whether i had passed or failed.

oh gosh...if i had failed, i would have to repeat the rotation and stay back an extra 2 months and payu an extra AUD7K. i did NOT want that.

and i came home from this resit exam completely devastated and convinced that i would fail. it just went so horribly wrong, no words can describe. it was all going uphill until it came to the part where they started asking questions i had never even thought about and then it all came tumbling down for me. i was in tears as i left the exam room.

this ALL came rushing back to me as i sat there, going to open the email. all the mistakes i made during the exam, how i should have answered in a different way and how i should have just studied a bit more, how it would feel to be alone here while everyone would have gone on and graduated, how my parents would feel that extra pinch in their pockets at having to fork out more money for my stupid failure.

*click*

it opened

Dear Grace,
You have just scraped through the viva, and I need to see you to give
you some feedback before we can consider your results complete. I could
see you on Thursday 14th at 10-30. Please confirm ASAP if this is
suitable and if not please let me know some times when you are available
Best wishes
Jane T

at the words 'scraped through' i was SO RELIEVED!~ and then it came to the part where i had to meet her to confirm and then i became not so sure again.

did i pass???

or is that just a nice way of saying that she needs to reassess me?

oh gosh.

i started messaging people and asking what they made of that cryptic message. most of them agreed that i had passed. but that there might have been something in the air that hasn't been cleared.

so...i tell you, it was super stressful.

i met up with her yesterday and after 2 minutes of telling her what i should have said and they type of drugs i should have given, since it was this part that i knew brought me down, she said,

'ok. pass. bye.'

I LEAPT OUT OF MY CHAIR IN FRONT OF HER AND WENT

'YESSSS!!!'

so shy.

so yeah...i've passed. phew. that's a load of my back.

this whole thing about me passing seriously is not of my own doing. i can safely say that. there's only ONE who could have helped me through this time. all the while comforting me and increasing my faith in HIM. this i can only attribute to my Lord, Jesus Christ. without HIM, i don't think i would even have made it. Thank you Lord, for you wonderful love for me and for showing me that whenever things are seen as impossible, it is completely possible to YOU.

oh, and i passed my general practice rotation as well.

2 down. 3 more to go.

...

was at a party the other day. won't say whose for fear of being found out. but i was at party the other day. a barbeque party. who in their right minds would want to throw a barbeque party when it's 16 degrees out?

so anyway, had a few drinks, met some new people, got hit on my some really weird ones and some not so weird ones.

there was this middle aged man from south africa who kept coming over to where i was and would just look at me and start smiling. you'd think it was ok until he started talking about going to malaysia when i return home so that he could come and see me.

*ding ding ding*

and there was this other guy. i don't really know where's he from, but i think he's from the middle east. he looks like a complete nerd who's trying really hard to fit in and be cool by smoking a lot, wearing very little and drinking like a camel. so...he came up to me and started talking, i can't remember about what since i was too busy checking out this hip hop instructor who had suddenly broke out in a dance number. *oh so hot* but then, suddenly, the host, came around carrying a camera and this middle eastern dude just grabbed me and wanted to take a picture with me. excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me? hello? you think i simply take pictures with anyone arh? please...no. actually, yes la, but i didn't want to be captured for eternity with this dude standing next to me, so i stepped away and proceeded to start talking to some girls. wah...i must sound quite the horrible now.

*ding ding ding*

now this next one. not so bad. he was quite good looking, from taiwan, had ears like my sister. a little bit monkey-ish. but made him all the more endearing. he was the bartender for the night and was a housemate of the host. needless to say, he kept me well-stocked the whole night. found out he wants to be a teacher and go to japan to learn japanese. quite impressive. didn't exchange numbers since i had to rush off, but he made me promise to visit the host again so we could go out.

i think i might just pay them a visit this weekend.

...

on another note, i'm going for a wedding this weekend! gonna meet up with all the old fogies from PJEFC who've migrated over to this land down under. i'm so excited. maybe i'll go shopping for a new dress later. eeee!! can't wait.

...

ying wei and i did laundry this morning

2 girls, washing one week's worth of laundry each. wow...that's a lot of clothes. i can't believe it myself. especially the amount of panties we go through. ok well, those are just MY panties. hers are hanging somewhere on the sidelines on a smaller clothesline. i wanted the sunshiney smell on mine so i hung them out there.

...

i just recently realised that my parents are getting more and more internet and technology savvy. i know there are parents out there who are whizzes are these sort of things. but i've gotten used to them asking

'eh...how to send message ah?'

'eh...can type this up for me ah?'

'eh...how to go online ah?'

and now, they, well, at least my mum can expertly sms me and talk to me on msn and search youtube and go online to take my friends test thing which i posted up. this is kinda freaky.

but what's worse is, she's getting better than me at shortcutting her messages.

she messaged me the other night asking me to search for this video on youtube. i did and true enough, it made me laugh like she said it would. but what shocked me most was how she KNEW how to search youtube for these funny videos. so i asked her.

'how you know how to search youtube for videos like these ar?'

and she replied,

'hfllsp wtcing'

it took my a whole 2 minutes to actually figure out what that message was. i'm not telling so you all go figure it out yourselves.

she can just send a message like that and expect me to understand. WTF?? i mean...type something in shortcut that is understandable larrrr...

even i don't shortcut my messages. unless i absolutely have to. if i were to write out ALL the shortcuts she uses, it'll take up a whole new blog post.

and she can go online and surf already! i mean...there goes our liberty. she now knows what we all do online and she now knows how to do it as well. is nothing sacred out there for us young people anymore?? or are we getting old too?

2007-06-13T19:46:00.001+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

2007-06-07T06:52:00.000+08:00

stuck at home with a cranky tummy and a fever. been up most of the night retching and purging. out from both ends. how fun is that.

tried to cheer myself up by searching for some funny videos to watch and i found this:

for those who don't know, these girls had a season on Singapore's tv with a show called Girls Out Loud. didn't show in Malaysia of course so i ended up watching all the episodes on YouTube. i must say it's quite entertaining. really. they're not afraid of touching on controversial issues and it's all done in the best taste. humour. i think that's the best way of approaching any sort of topic.

so anyway, i found the video quite cute. and it was shot in genting if i'm not wrong.

humour me lar if i'm not posting anything of substance. i'm sick, ok. and i'm missing hospital. it's making me feel very guilty. and i'm still waiting for my mental health resit results so very panicking lorh. i hope i pass. please, just let me pass.

2007-06-06T16:20:00.000+08:00

i don't often dream anymore.

somehow it's just too painful to do.

i used to dream.

loads.

i'd dream about my life. about how it should and would be. having that wonderful job and wonderful partner. being idealistic to the point of silliness.

dreams tend to make us that way. silly, i mean. they take us away from what we should be concentrating on. we drift on a sea of hope, of dreams. floating without an anchor, without a safety rope tied around a rock. our only concern is where we're going to land next. but what we don't see are the rocks beneath, waiting to run us aground. jarring us back into reality and sinking our dreams and hopes to the depths of the deepest abyss.

why do we dream? why do we put ourselves through this 'torture' of wishing and hoping, knowing full well that it will never come to pass? why do we set unrealistic expectations which, that when it crashes just drags us deeper down that abyss?

because...

without dreams, we will never reach.

without hope, we will never rejoice.

without expectations, we will never live.

only...

don't get carried away dreaming and hoping and expecting. because even if sometimes we get lucky, we're never lucky always.

do i dare to dream?

i don't know.

2007-06-06T11:06:00.000+08:00

so i'm home alone today.

my day off since i'm on take at the hospital on sunday night.

decided to cook myself a healthy lunch. one with no carbs since i'm on a diet. again.

had a piece of fish (is it a piece when it's a whole fish? or should i just call it fish?) in the freezer that had been sitting there for about a month. but thanks to deep freeze, it was still ok. i think. decided to wrap it in aluminium foil with some veggies and bake in the oven.

but to my horror, when i washed the fish, i found out it had not been gutted! stupid fishmongers here didn't clean the fish for me! yuck!! so...i had to gut it myself. i have NEVER done this before. i know i cook a lot, but i don't gut fish a lot. so...trying to remember how they do it on tv, i slit the fish's belly and eeeeeewww! all the gross red, red looking things just oozed out. yuuuuckk!! i stuck my hand in and tried to grab hold of as much red, red looking things as i could. blerrrgh!! luckily, i'm very skillful and managed to get it clean without barfing in my mouth too much.

then it was season, season, season and into the oven.

DING!

25 minutes later, it was done. looked good. smelt good. i cut a piece and put it in my mouth. and instead of a mouthful of fish, it was a mouthful of scales. stupid fishmongers didn't de-scale the fish for me either!! grrrr...so i had to scrape off the fish skin, which thankfully came off easily before i could devour my very tasty fishy lunch.

it's cold and rainy. thought i could snuggle in bed for a long time this morning, but i woke up at the very early hour of 8am. holy guacamole! what the heck am i doing wide awake?? but i couldn't get back to sleep so i woke up and scrubbed the toilet clean. smells pretty and fresh now. and there's got to be something wrong when i can clean the whole toilet, scrubbing on my hands and knees and NOT SWEAT. the only thing that got wet was my shirt when i accidentally turned on the shower and it rained down into my sleeve. cold, cold water.

i kinda like the cold weather. makes my cheeks pink.